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Of Course Cruise & Holmes Divorce Settled Fast: It Was Prearranged

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes‘ divorce is already settled. Oh, shocker. That was so fast.

Pfffft.

It was so fast because the details of the divorce were likely spelled out in the original contract of their sham marriage!

Any bitter posturing by the estranged couple suggesting there would be a prolonged divorce negotiation was just more theatrics to continue the charade they’ve been living since the wedding. The marriage was a contract, and its conclusion was as forgone as could be.

Who among you believes that anything about their union involved a genuine love and attraction between two heterosexual adults? What’s that? No one?

Then, with nothing genuine about their union, why is anyone surprised that there was no genuine acrimony upon its termination? The breakup was circled on the calendar like a summer vacation — no, like a graduation, years in advance.

Many fans wised up after Tom’s first two sham marriages, realizing that Katie was but a prop. Yet even the wisest of fans are still played by Tom’s phony dismay upon the long-scheduled announcement of their split?

Even the Scientology grand masters who pull Tom’s puppet strings must’ve known — likely down to the day and hour, those universe-ruling control freaks — when this mockery of a marriage would come to an end.

So if the whole world knew it was a joke that would end when Katie turned 33 — patterns, people … watch for patterns — why would we still fall victim to yet another charade: this absurdity that the divorce proceedings would be anything but the final rubber stamp on the same contract that launched the marriage?

Besides, how could Tom be blindsided by anything? He’s omniscient!

We, however, are idiots — played again by the highest-paid actor in Hollywood. We know we’re being played and we keep following along. The Scientologists are ruling our lives and we don’t even know it.

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