The Heavy Awesomest Guide to Japan’s Most Bizarre Restaurants & Clubs

Japan Cover

So you’re headed to the far east for adventure and glory, or maybe it’s just a distant dream you’ve concocted in order to escape the mind numbing mundane existence you call a life. Regardless, we’ve got you covered with a guide to the best eats, creeps and crawls for your Japanese freak show.

If you’ve ever enjoyed dining in hospitals or prisons on a regular basis, Shibuya tourist attraction Alcatraz might have what you’re looking for. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi to it, or perhaps that’s just the medical waste talking.

Eating sushi off beautiful naked women, so passé, but having an edible “body” constructed for your zombie party will make you the envy of every foodie weirdo from Manhattan to Paris. Nyotaimori, which roughly translates to “female body plate”, offers both. Also, for the thrifty, the insufferable guilt you feel after eating is free of charge.

When you see people in the service industry, do you often wonder “How could I make this whole experience more demeaning?” Dressing them up in pink maid outfits and having them refer to you as “Master” certainly qualifies as a success in my book. The @ Home Cafe among others is more than up to the challenge of satisfying those “increasingly hostile control fantasies” your therapist was concerned about. Remember, cake tastes best when served with a side of subjugation.

But why settle for service by a person at all? Kabayuki restaurants have enslaved small monkeys to do the tasks in terrifying outfits. The broken down creatures greet the customers, give change, and exchange parasites upon request. In a thousand years and they’ll have taken back the planet, we can cite this as the breaking point.

Appealing to our universal love for cleavage and robotics, Robot Restaurant of Tokyo has captivated the world’s interest. With a bumping soundtrack and astounding choreography, bikini clad women operate giant transexual dancing robots. This is not sarcasm…this actually happens.

So if after food and robo mayhem you still find yourself alone, there’s still plenty of things to get weird with. Soapland is a well known franchise that operates as a specialty spa. The employees here will give you a personal sponge bath, and then use you as a disgusting slip and slide. There’s no sex involved, but that does make much difference, there’s nothing clean about the place.

For the couples out there seeking a private place to be intimate, “Love Hotels” exist. You can lay down in the bat cave, blast through space, or try out the hello kitty dungeon.

Hello Kitty Love Hotel 2

Their little black eyes have seen it all.

For your next trip, consider Thailand, where artist Kittiwat Unarrom will ruin bread for you forever.

Yes, that’s bread baked to look like the contents Jeffrey Dahmer’s fridge. What, no poppy seeds?

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