Welcome to Heavy’s NFL Draft Diary. We will try to get through this with minimal loss of life, but no promises, okay?
Just a quick overview before we get started. The St. Louis Rams are expected to draft Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford with the first overall pick. After that, most people expect the Detroit Lions to select defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh out of Nebraska. Suh is widely considered to be the top player available in the draft, but since he doesn’t play the glamor position known as quarterback, he should fall into the Lions lap, where, because it’s the Lions, he will probably then have his legs turned into carrot sticks by an angry witch or get busted trying to cross the Canadian border with a car trunk full of stolen exotic lemurs.
After that, who knows? The only certainty is that the Raiders will do something so unfathomably stupid that the cries coming from Oakland will be able to be heard in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
So, with all that said, here we go.
7:18 – We’re still ten minutes from the official start time, but they just introduced all the players in attendance and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there are some pretty snazzy suits there. Also, at least a couple of these dudes will end up sitting in the green room long after they were expecting to be picked, embarrassed and sweating under the hot lights of national television. Harsh.
7:23 – Oh, I should mention that I will be watching and therefore referencing ESPN’s coverage of the Draft. After all, they are the worldwide leader. In what? Who cares, stop asking so many questions.
7:25 – As usual, the New York fans at the Draft are carrying on like they just crawled out of the caves and replaced their woolly mammoth skins with Jets and Giants jerseys.
7:29 – I am going to get so sick of this theme song before the night’s over. Oh, by the way, it’s Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind” featuring Alicia Keys. Not a bad song, but even Mozart would make a man crazy if he had to hear it a thousand times in one night.
7:31 – We just started, but already Chris Berman is screaming the word “lefties” and the other announcers are making fun of Mel Kiper. Off to a good start.
7:32 – Roger Goodell seems completely ill at ease addressing the fans at the start here. He’s not comfortable unless he’s punishing alleged rapists and wife beaters.
7:34 – The Rams quarterback depth chart: A.J. Feeley and Keith Null. Yeah, I’d say Sam Bradford should be the pick here.
7:36 – Sam Bradford is on the phone and he looks happy. That’s another sign he’s the guy. He also looks twelve years old.
7:39 – Sam Bradford is indeed the pick. He gets a bunch of love from his family and a couple of the other prospects, but I can’t help noticing that for a guy who’s about to get more than fifty million dollars he has what appears to be the cheapest suit out of anyone in the building.
7:40 – And now the funniest seven words in the NFL Draft: The Detroit Lions are on the clock.
7:42 – Ndamukong Suh is on the phone now, and he looks somber. Yeah, he’s a Lion. Meanwhile, defensive tackle Gerald McCoy out of Oklahoma nervously bites his nails. Don’t worry, Gerald. You won’t have to go to Detroit.
7:45 – Yup, Suh is the pick by the Lions. It sounds like the crowd hates him but they’re not booing him, they’re really saying Suh. Suh seems cool, calm and collected.
7:46 – By the way, the name Ndamukong means House of Spears in the language of Cameroon. That’s undeniably badass. The Lions can only hope that he is allowed to bring actual spears out onto the field with him.
7:49 – The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are on the clock and it will be interesting to see what they do. Gerald McCoy has been compared to former Buccaneers great Warren Sapp, and he’s on the phone now so it looks like he might be the guy here with the third pick.
7:51 – It’s always awkward to see a head coach turned analyst discuss the team that canned him, which is what’s going on with Jon Gruden talking about the Bucs right now.
7:53 – The Buccaneers do indeed select Gerald McCoy, and McCoy is the polar opposite of Suh. He’s very emotional, with tears in his eyes. Hopefully, they are tears of joy and not due to the fact that he is going to a lousy team.
7:55 – Oh man. McCoy just gave Roger Goodell a giant bear hug on stage. I imagine that freaked Goodell out since the only time he is used to dealing with players is after they pistol whip a dog or run around with their dick hanging out.
7:56 – The Washington Redskins are on the clock and for the first time there is the whiff of crazy here at the Draft. Seriously, anything can happen with the Redskins and their owner, Dan Snyder.
7:57 – Early on it was assumed that the Redskins would be after a quarterback, but their trade for Donovan McNabb means that just about everything is on the table with this pick.
8:00 – The Redskins draft Trent Williams, an offensive tackle out of Oklahoma. A bit of an upset. He was considered a potential top ten pick, but probably not someone who would go this high.
8:01 – A moment of hilarity: Roger Goodell announcing the pick as Trent “Silverback” Williams. Goodell tripped over the name Silverback. Also, Silverback gave Goodell another bear hug.
8:02 – Also, for what it’s worth, the first four picks in the draft have all come from the Big 12.
8:02 – The Kansas City Chiefs are now on the clock. The Chiefs need to rebuild their offensive line so Russell Okung, an offensive tackle out of Oklahoma State could be the pick here, which would make the top five picks all Big 12 players. Then again, the Chiefs need help everywhere, so who knows?
8:05 – We come back from commercial in time to see safety Eric Berry from Tennessee on the phone. There seems to be a mic in the area and Berry says “I would lose my voice, but I don’t have a voice to lose” to whoever he’s on the phone with. Okay, then.
8:06 – The Chiefs select Berry, and the first thing I notice is that Berry is wearing a beautiful pink dress shirt. High fashion!
8:08 – Usually safeties don’t go this high in the draft, but Berry was considered by many to be the best prospect in the draft other than Suh. He should be a sure star.
8:10 – The Seattle Seahawks are now on the clock. This is Pete Carroll’s first draft, so it will be interesting to see if he tries to draft Will Ferrell or Snoop Dogg. The experts seem to think it will be Okung, but what the hell do they know?
8:12 – By the way, no one has made any trades yet. At least none that have been announced. So it would seem that there may not be any suitors for Ben Roethlisberger and Ben Roethlisberger’s debauched penis.
8:14 – Jon Gruden looks crazy, like Nicholson in The Shining.
8:15 – I think Jon Gruden might kidnap C.J. Spiller and whisk him off to Vegas for a quickie wedding. Dude is seriously smitten. Spiller, for his part, just swigs Gatorade while Gruden swoons.
8:16 – The Seahawks do take Okung. He was considered by most to be the top tackle available in the draft and the Hawks have to replace Walter Jones, their Hall of Fame tackle, so this pick makes sense.
8:17 – The Cleveland Browns are now on the clock and everybody thinks they’ll take Jimmy Clausen, who looks like an emu and isn’t very good. Good luck to them with that.
8:19 – The dreaded Tebow is on the phone outside of his home in Florida. If he’s the pick get ready for a cascade of hilarious boos. It’s okay, Tim. The masses booed Jesus too.
8:20 – Okay, now they’re saying the Browns could take a cornerback. Well, then. Joe Haden out of Florida is the favorite. Steve Young thinks they should trade down, but his brains are made of pudding now so who cares what he thinks.
8:22 – Haden is on the phone and there are tears streaming down his face. Hello, Cleveland! Also, it should be noted that Haden has some incredible jug ears. Seriously, those things are ridiculous. I think he might try to fly away.
8:24 – Haden is indeed the pick and he is understandably excited. Perhaps now he can buy a suit that doesn’t make him look like an usher at a wedding. Also, it should be noted that Haden continues the trend of hugging the commish. Goodell is going to flip out and suspend all of these dudes for two games for inappropriate touching.
8:26 – And the Raiders are on the clock, which is always hilarious. Again, this is one of Gruden’s former employers and he and Raiders owner Al Davis did not split on good terms so this is awkward. He gives Davis credit, but he sounds like an ex-husband giving his haggard old ex-wife credit for being a beauty queen thirty years ago.
8:29 – The Raiders select Rolando McClain, a linebacker out of Alabama. He’s a solid player but the consensus seems to be that the Raiders reached here, especially because they already have a solid starting middle linebacker in Kirk Morrison. Big shock, huh?
8:30 – Steve Young is honestly trying to claim that the Raiders will be fine with Bruce Gradkowski as their starting quarterback. Once again, Steve Young’s brain is made of applesauce.
8:31 – The Bills are up and their pick is already in. Shockingly quick for the NFL Draft. The pick is Spiller and Gruden is, of course, excited. I think he’s got a special present to congratulate Spiller with. This present is located in his pants.
8:33 – It’s an interesting pick because the Bills already have two fairly established running backs in Fred Jackson and Marshawn Lynch. It looks like Lynch will probably be on the move.
8:34 – The Jacksonville Jaguars are on the clock. I predict that they will select Derrick Morgan, a defensive end out of Georgia Tech. I will, of course, be wrong and you can all laugh at me. You bastards.
8:38 – Wow. The pick by the Jaguars is Tyson Alualu, a defensive tackle out of California. This is a huge reach, which is cool with me because it means that you will all be laughing at Jacksonville instead of at me for whiffing on the Morgan prediction. Then again, I just reminded you of that, so . . . awww, crap.
8:39 – Alualu was supposed to go at the tail end of the first round or the beginning of the second round, so this is really a big reach at number ten. Alualu seems like a Polynesian name, though, which means he’s no doubt tough as nails if my stereotype chart here is correct, so maybe this is a good pick.
8:41 – The best part of all this is of course the fact that Tim Tebow was just snubbed by his hometown team, which not that long ago was considered his birthright. Sorry, Tim. You should probably pray for serenity.
8:42 – The San Francisco 49ers are on the clock and who the hell knows what they’ll do with the eleventh pick? Oh, I should probably mention that they traded up a couple of spots to get the pick from Denver.
8:43 – The Niners traded up to select Anthony Davis, an offensive tackle out of Rutgers. The camera cuts to him in New Jersey, surrounded by a million friends and family. There’s, uh, there’s no reaction. Oh, wait, it turns out there was a big delay in the feed and he and his well wishers all went nuts about ten seconds after the pick was actually made. Always funny when that happens.
8:46 – The Chargers just traded up, taking Miami’s twelfth overall pick. Berman seems to think they’ll take Ryan Mathews, a running back out of Fresno State, which would be a bit of a reach I would think, but what the hell do I know?
8:47 – Man, all these trades. Slow down, assholes! I’m trying to type here. Still, Ben Roethlisberger’s penis remains unclaimed and apparently unwanted. Poor lil’ guy.
8:50 – It is indeed Ryan Mathews, even though Steve Young won’t stop talking about defense even after they cut to Goodell at the podium. I think someone fed Berman that one. He’s not that smart. The Chargers have their replacement for LaDanian Tomlinson now.
8:51 – Damn. Another trade. The Broncos trade back again, this time trading the pick to the Eagles. The speculation is that the pick will be a safety, Earl Thomas out of Texas.
8:53 – The New York fans boo like mad and chant “Eagles suck”. Anyone who is surprised by this is either hopelessly naive or was literally just born. Seriously, a one month old baby would expect that to happen.
8:54 – This damn thing needs an intermission. Even the announcers seem to have run out of things to talk about.
8:56 – The Broncos appear to be this year’s team who robs everybody, picking up extra picks from desperate teams. Evil bastards.
8:57 – Goodell is up to a chorus of boos from the Philly hating animals in the crowd. The pick is . . . Brandon Graham, a defensive end/outside linebacker out of Michigan. I watched Graham a lot while he was at Michigan and he’s awesome. Great pick.
8:59 – Not a bad trade by the Eagles either. They have a lot of picks stockpiled, especially after they traded away Donovan McNabb.
9:00 – The Seahawks are back on the clock. I predict that Pete Carroll will select Reggie Bush’s money launderer or one of Matt Leinart’s pubic crabs.
9:02 – There’s that Jay-Z song again. Refreshingly, this is only the second or third time they’ve played it. A miracle!
9:04 – Oh man, the ESPN analysts have no clue what the hell is going on right now. They are just rambling, spitting out random names, talking over one another. It’s both hilarious and terrible.
9:05 – The Seahawks take Earl Thomas, and Berman feels validated. Thomas appears to be at a banquet of some sort, and when he is picked, someone who I assume is his mother just mauls him. Sweet and vaguely disturbing at the same time.
9:06 – By the way, most of the dudes who were invited to sit in the green room haven’t been picked yet. Poor guys. This must be torture for them.
9:07 – Oh Lord, the Giants are now on the clock, which means the degenerates in the crowd will be going crazy and making all those ridiculously exaggerated faces that can be found in the New York Handbook of Stereotypes.
9:11 – They just tried to throw it to Chris Mortensen regarding Jimmy Clausen but something went wrong and everyone just sat around for a minute looking stupid. Ah, an NFL Draft tradition we all love.
9:13 – Jason Pierre-Paul, a defensive end out of South Florida, is on the phone and wiping his eyes, so yeah, that’s probably the Giants guy.
9:14 – Pierre-Paul is the pick and the crowd is surprisingly fairly positive about this given that Pierre-Paul kind of came out of nowhere. There are still some boos, but it’s New York. They would boo Superman.
9:15 – Pierre-Paul is a Haitian immigrant who worked his way up from the Community College ranks, so get ready for a ton of stories about that.
9:16 – The Tennessee Titans are now on the clock and I think we need about a ten minute long commercial break.
9:20 – With the sixteenth overall pick, the Titans select Derrick Morgan. No one cares following the Giants pick. Oh wait, Morgan is one of the dudes stuck in the green room, so good for him.
9:22 – Another big bear hug for Goodell. Get ready for your suspension, Derrick.
9:23 – The 49ers are back on the clock. Someone should probably hold Steve Young back so he doesn’t try to wander towards the stage. Seriously, the dude’s brains are the consistency of runny mud. I could have said diarrhea, but I’m trying to work clean here. Oops, I guess I just said it anyway. Oh well.
9:25 – The Niners select offensive guard Mike Iupati out of Idaho. The highlight of this pick is Roger Goodell stumbling over the pronunciation of his name. C’mon, commish, it’s not that hard.
9:26 – Mel Kiper bitches because he thinks the 49ers should have drafted Jimmy Clausen. Shut up, Mel.
9:27 – The Pittsburgh Steelers are on the clock. I hope their pick isn’t actually at the draft, because he’ll probably drop his pants on stage and have to be wrestled to the ground.
9:28 – Oh, this is garbage. The Steelers just trotted out a Make-A-Wish kid to make the pick. Oh my God. Nicely done. Well played.
9:29 – By the way, the pick is Maurkice Pouncey, a center out of Florida. And thanks to the Make-A-Wish kid, everyone cheered the Steelers pick. Wonderful.
9:30 – And not to be an asshole or anything, but that was this poor dying kid’s one big wish? To announce a pick at the NFL Draft for a team desperate to cover up its new found image as the home for degenerates? Okay.
9:31 – The Falcons are up now, and they’ve already got their pick in. It’s Sean Weatherspoon, a linebacker out of Missouri. No surprise there. I’m trying to come up with a joke here, but the Make-A-Wish kid sucked all the fun out of the room. Thanks a lot, dying kid!
9:33 – The lady announcer with the grating voice who throws it to commercial just said that Tim Tebow, Jimmy Clausen and Colt McCoy are all still available. What, was Justin Bieber not available for that list? Good God.
9:37 – The Houston Texans are up and just like the Falcons they’ve already got their pick in. And it’s Kareem Jackson, a defensive back out of Alabama. Huh. Kind of a surprise. Went a little higher than most people thought. But he’s been coached by Nick Saban, so he’s used to being violently abused. I think he can handle the heat.
9:39 – Hey! We have our first Erin Andrews sighting. Is she still on that Dancing With the Stars show? Is Buzz Aldrin still around?
9:40 – The Cincinnati Bengals have their pick in already. Man, they’re just flying now. The pick is Jermaine Gresham, a tight end out of Oklahoma. Good pick, but I wonder how he’ll handle the mandatory prison sentence that comes with being a Bengal or how he’ll deal with falling out of the back of a pick-up truck to his death while hollering at his woman.
9:43 – The Broncos are back on the clock after trading down twice. Either they’re geniuses who will end up with the guy they wanted all along plus several more picks, or they just screwed up and are scrambling for a backup plan. They still need a horse to replace Mr. Ed . . . I mean, John Elway. So maybe that’s the plan. Rumor has it that they have been stocking up on oats and saddles.
9:45 – Actually, it turns out that the Broncos just traded up with the Patriots so it looks like they panicked at the thought of losing one of their Plan A’s.
9:47 – And the pick is Demaryius Thomas, a wide receiver out of Georgia Tech. Thomas is at the draft, and disappointingly he doesn’t look like a horse, like Elway or Shannon Sharpe. He does continue the new tradition of hugging Goodell, but it looks like Goodell is embracing it now. Awww, how sweet.
9:49 – The talking heads are yammering on about how Dez Bryant, the talented wide receiver from Oklahoma State, is falling down the board. Basically, he’s slipping because he’s a notorious asshole.
9:50 – Speaking of Bryant, in case he isn’t drafted tonight, I’d like to take this time to mention the story that, according to Bryant, one of the teams, in the pre-draft interviews, asked Bryant if his mother was a whore. I’ll just let that stand on its own.
9:51 – The Packers are up and their pick is already in. And it’s Bryan Bulaga, an offensive tackle out of Iowa. Great pick for the Packers, given that Bulaga was considered by a lot of people to be a top ten pick.
9:52 – Wait, Kiper just said that Bulaga had a thyroid issue that caused him to struggle as a senior. A thyroid issue? What, does he have gigantism or something?
9:54 – Steve Young just said that Bulaga looks like a Green Bay Packer. He’s pasty white and fat with a crew cut, so . . . wait, was that a compliment or an insult? I’m confused. Then again, I’m sure Young is too.
9:56 – The Patriots are on the clock, and of course all of the degenerate Jets fans at the draft hate them, so whoever is picked will be pelted with garbage like he’s Judas or Rosie O’Donnell.
9:58 – Todd McShay just said that Dez Bryant isn’t a bad young man, but he made some bad choices as a kid and didn’t have a lot of guidance. What, his mom’s pimp couldn’t keep him in line? Seriously, I can’t believe some jerkass team asked him that question about his mom being a prostitute.
10:01 – The Patriots have traded the pick. Cowards. But they traded it to the Cowboys so all the fans keep on booing.
10:02 – And Bryant is the pick. The camera cuts to Bryant sneaking out of a crack house. Actually, it shows him celebrating with friends and family like everyone else, but, well, you know. Poor guy has just been demonized.
10:03 – They bring out the military color guard for a cheap pop, but the best part about it is the announcers just talking over the moment, not realizing that their mikes were on. Sadly, no one said anything too inflammatory. I was hoping Gruden would call Kiper an asshole or something.
10:05 – The Broncos are back on the clock and oh man, they just showed Tebow on the phone and the crowd exploded. There were a lot more cheers than I thought there would be.
10:06 – Tebow starts to celebrate with his friends and family and oh man, so many white people. There’s even a lady carrying a little baby. It’s ridiculous.
10:07 – Steve Young talks up Tebow’s character and how good he’ll be in that notoriously debauched Denver community, but Kiper and Tom Jackson say that he sucks ass. I think Young might cry.
10:08 – The picks is made official, and it’s Tebow. Okay, now the entire crowd is loudly chanting “Tebow sucks.” Ah, that’s the good stuff.
10:09 – The analysts wonder what the hell is wrong with Jimmy Clausen(pssst, he sucks), and then they go back to arguing about Tebow. Truly a polarizing figure. Just like his hero, Jesus.
10:11 – They’re interviewing Tebow and he just said that he told the Broncos that he would give his heart and his soul to the team. NO. Tim, not your soul! The Broncos have stolen him from God. Jesus just wept and whipped his remote at his television, causing God to take away his TV for a week.
10:12 – By the way, The Arizona Cardinals are on the clock, but no one cares. Because TEBOW!!!
10:13 – Tebow!
10:14 – The Cardinals could make their pick and I think ESPN would just ignore it to keep talking about Tebow. Shut the hell up already.
10:15 – Talking about Tebow did just provide a funny moment. Steve Young tried to say the name Gruden while talking about Tebow and couldn’t do it. That poor man’s brain is made out of oatmeal.
10:16 – Jon Gruden just hit Mel Kiper in the arm for no apparent reason. Good for you, Jon.
10:18 – The Cardinals pick Dan Williams, a defensive tackle out of Tennessee. Kiper takes the opportunity to crow because this is exactly where he had Williams going. I wish Gruden would hit him again. In the face this time. Or the nuts. Either one.
10:21 – The Patriots are on the board, which means all the mongs in the crowd will be going wild again.
10:22 – We get a montage of players who had to sweat it out in the green room. Included is Brady Quinn, who looked like he was in utter agony. Oh God, Berman just said that Quinn handled it with class. Okay, whatever.
10:24 – With the 27th overall pick, the Patriots select Devin McCourty, a cornerback from Rutgers. Solid if unspectacular pick. The crowd, of course, boos. The camera finds the one Patriots fan in attendance, who is on his feet cheering. He isn’t getting out of there alive. Okay, maybe that’s overstating it. But I bet someone trips him and takes his wallet at least.
10: 26 – Almost done with this fiasco. Just five more picks to go.
10:28 – The Dolphins are on the clock after trading down from the twelve spot. That’s a big drop. I predict they draft a blue chip coke dealer. It’s been a long time since the Tony Montana era.
10:30 – Amidst a chorus of boos from the Jets fans, the Dolphins select Jared Odrick, a defensive tackle out of Penn State. He’s a decent defensive tackle, but there’s no word on his coke dealing ability. Disappointing.
10:31 – Oh God, the Jets are on the clock. Get ready for everyone in the crowd to behave like they’re auditioning for The Sopranos. What? They don’t know it’s been off the air for a couple of years. Hell, they don’t even know that it wasn’t real.
10:35 – They play a bunch of soundbites from Jets coach Rex Ryan. He comes across like the world’s biggest asshole. Which, now that I think about it, makes him the perfect coach for the Jets.
10:37 – The Jets select Kyle Wilson, a cornerback out of Boise State. The crowd explodes. It’s mostly a positive reaction. The Jest are stacked at cornerback with Wilson joining Darrelle Revis, the best corner in the league, and ballhawk Antonio Cromartie. Huge pickup here.
10:39 – Steve Young has bad flashbacks to getting his brain destroyed when he discusses how scary the Jets defense could be.
10:40 – The Minnesota Vikings are now on the board. Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre, Favre. Sorry. Just getting it out of my system before the talking heads start in on it. I won’t mention his name again. You’re welcome.
10:43 – Steve Young suggests the Vikings take Taylor Mays. No one says anything. I’m just impressed that Steve didn’t accidentally call him Taylor Swift.
10:44 – The Lions have traded up to take the Vikings pick. The Lions are being aggressive, which let’s face it, they probably need to do if they finally want to escape the hell they have lived in for the past, oh, fifty years.
10:46 – The Lions take Jahvid Best, a running back out of California. This makes some sense because Kevin Smith, the Lions starting running back had his knee ripped up like he stuck it in a wood chipper. On the other hand, Best might be best known for getting his brain turned into pudding on a big hit last year. Steve Young, of course, likes him.
10:48 – Two picks left. The Colts are on the clock. I predict they will select an ear of corn or a glass of whole milk. Or perhaps a fleet of new buggies for their Amish fans.
10:52 – They just came back from a montage from the 1983 draft. Gruden doesn’t realize they’re back and he calls someone a dumbass. That’s the good stuff.
10:54 – The Colts select Jerry Hughes, a defensive end out of TCU. You can hear the crowd say “Who?” when Goodell announces the pick. That’s not fair, though, because Hughes is a really good player. He fits what the Colts do perfectly. Good pick.
10:55 – One pick left!
10:56 – Berman is rambling about the Colts and the other four guys just stare at him and don’t say anything, just letting him dig himself deeper into the hole of stupid. Even his dude, Tom Jackson, just lets him swing. Harsh.
10:58 – The Saints are the last team on the clock. I predict that they draft a new levee system. What? too soon?
11:00 – There are a bunch of Saints fans at the draft. They look like a gang of heathens. I love New Orleans so much. One of the best cities in the world.
11:03 – Drew Brees is out to make the pick for the Saints, and to end this long night. He is met with a mixed chorus of cheers and boos from the fans. He thanks the fans for voting him to be the cover boy for Madden ’11, and I begin to worry that his legs might break off before he gets off the stage. Finally, he announces that the Saints select Patrick Robinson, a cornerback out of Florida State.
11:05 – Roger Goodell thanks everyone for coming out tonight, and with that, the first round of the NFL Draft comes to an end. And with that, I’d like to thank all of you for joining us in our draft diary, and thanks for sticking with us to the end of this strange and terrible odyssey. Good night.