Comedy

Amazon, Wat? A Review Of Reviews

Now when did it become the funny thing to do to write funny Amazon reviews? Years ago (circa 2006) there was a hidden internet gem known as 1 Gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk on Amazon. Here’s a sample review:

“He always brought home milk on Friday.

After a long hard week full of days he would burst through the door, his fatigue hidden behind a smile. There was an icy jug of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz in his right hand. With his left hand he would grip my waist – I was always cooking dinner – and press the cold frostiness of the jug against my arm as he kissed my cheek. I would jump, mostly to gratify him after a time, and smile lovingly at him. He was a good man, a wonderful husband who always brought the milk on Friday, Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz.

Then there was that Friday, the terrible Friday that would ruin every Friday for the rest of my life. The door opened, but there was no bouyant greeting – no cold jug against the back of my arm. There was no Tuscan Whole Milk in his right hand, nor his left. There came no kiss. I watched as he sat down in a kitchen chair to remove his shoes. He wore no fatigue, but also no smile. I didn’t speak, but turned back to the beans I had been stirring. I stirred until most of their little shrivelled skins floated to the surface of the cloudy water. Something was wrong, but it was vague wrongness that no amount of hard thought could give shape to.

Over dinner that night I casually inserted,”What happened to the milk?”
“Oh,”he smiled sheepishly, glancing aside,”I guess I forgot today.”

That was when I knew. He was tired of this life with me, tired of bringing home the Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. He was probably shoveling funds into a secret bank account, looking at apartments in town, casting furtive glances at cashiers and secretaries and waitresses. That’s when I knew it was over. Some time later he moved in with a cashier from the Food Mart down the street. And me? Well, I’ve gone soy.”

That was followed up, recently, by the The Mountain Men’s Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee. Of course, Urban Outfitters, unable to captalize on Whole Milk, jumped on this and started selling the T. And totally ruined the whole joke. Nice one. Anyway, here’s a sample review:

“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.”

Now recently, I stumble upon this little gem: The 2007-2012 Outlook for Public Building Stacking Chairs Excluding Bar, Bowling Center, Cafeteria, Library, Restaurant, and School Stacking Chairs in India (Paperback)

A. I honestly can’t tell if this is real. Click on the author’s name and there are over 100,000 results. 100,000 – are you completely insane? Also, I can’t tell if this review is serious or not. Do these people exist?!

“I first discovered Dr. Parker’s brilliant analysis and forecast of Indian stacking chair consumption while completing my thesis on the roll played by wheel based ergonomic office chairs in workplace fatalities. In particular, I found fascinating the statistical modeling employed by Dr. Parker to determine governmental stacking chair purchase requirements for the year 2011, which is well know to be the year that the Indian Civil Service Entrance Exam switches to a “Standing Only” testing methodology. Indeed, after months of careful study I can find only two obvious faults with the findings put forward by Dr. Parker. Firstly, and far more seriously, while Dr. Parker’s analysis included over 2600 Indian municipalities, his thoughtless exclusion of Indian bowling allies cuts short any possible insight into the scarcity of stacking chairs and the effects on Hindu-Muslim bowling alley violence. Perhaps the infamy of the religious riots in Pune, following Mohinder Singh’s perfect 300 game in 1998 led to this exclusion, I only hope that this obvious gap in analysis does not alienate future generations of readers and lead them to repudiation this otherwise thoughtful and deeply insightful study. My final criticism has to do with the quality of the publication and lack of full color illustrations. The choice to use black and white illustrations may be in keeping with the scholarly focus of this publication but I find it hard to distinguish between the Duo and Cello stacking chairs featured prominently on pages 316-318.
Finally, I must comment that Dr. Parker’s treatise on stacking chairs has reinvigorated my own personal interest in furniture based consumption modeling and the related effects on the medical industry. I have recently begun a study of metal folding table usage in the southern United States and the corresponding rise in emergency room visitation. I won’t provide any spoilers in this forum, but I can’t help but tease the fact that I have found a widespread correlation between metal folding table usage at Baptist picnics and emergency room visitation for trauma in the distal and proximal interphalangeal joints. I encourage the many fans of this book to check back soon for my own publication.”

So, like Milhouse, is this a meme or not?

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