Comedy

This Is Heavy

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HEY. Remember us? Remember how we were here in 1999 before YouTube, before Twitter and Gmail. We were the original internet video site for dudes and guess what? WE’RE BACK, bitches. We just blew your browser to hell and now we’re going to blow your mind with a site so sexy, Heidi Klum just left Seal and is somewhere in our server room, humping the stacks.

Now you may be asking: WTF is Heavy? Is this some AZN thing? What’s with that fat sumo? Hulu is taking over the world, what is Heavy doing? Well, I thought I’d clue you in and put it in simple terms so you can read it to your little sister.

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Heavy is a force of nature, like a hurricane or a tidal wave, only on the Internet and with a higher body count. Every day we make videos, write articles, take photographs and destroy the fabric of civilized society, and you love us for it. But your love is not enough. Because Heavy pulls 9s and you’re a 7, maybe an 8 if the light’s bad and we’re drunk.

Heavy wasn’t the best at Mario Kart, but Heavy went back home and practiced and practiced until we were really Goddamned good and everyone had already moved on to a Dreamcast and refused to play with us anymore so we were left playing with ourselves in a darkened room, again. And again.

Heavy knows you’ve pleasured yourself to a naked night elf druid in World of Warcraft, more than once, and Heavy doesn’t judge. Heavy is just as hung over as you are on a Friday morning. Heavy is just as hung over as you are on a Friday morning on a Wednesday morning.

You know what Heavy is? Heavy is when you’re getting with your girl better than you ever did before and she says some other guy’s name. That’s our name.

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Heavy grows facial hair like it ain’t no thang, and you know what? Chicks dig our mustache. Heavy grew a beard and shaved it one handed with a straight razor in the time it took this page to load. Our other hand was punching the intestines out of a majestic Burmese python.

Heavy killed Friendster. Heavy killed Myspace. Heavy cut Orkut into six pieces and threw it through the window of it’s kid’s third-grade classroom. Facebook better get us another drink if they know what’s good for them.

If Heavy was an animal, it would be the barnacle. I know what you’re thinking – isn’t the blue whale the animal with the biggest penis in the world, clocking in at six to eight feet? Sure, but the whale’s penis is only 6.7% of its total body length. The barnacle’s is forty times the length of it’s body. We’re six foot three, you do the math.

Heavy doesn’t do math. You know why? Heavy is mentally retarded, that’s why. Heavy jumped out of your treehouse at age 5 on a dare and broke it’s foot, but screw you, we wanted that GI Joe and we got it. Heavy jumped off piers. Heavy played football and got mowed down every single Goddamned time but you know what? Girls still wanted it.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is Heavy. And this will be Heavy, every day of the rest of your life. Get used to it, you skinny bitch.

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