It’s a sad indictment of our modern world that more Americans get their news from Perez Hilton than from the New York Times. Gossip blogs are big business, and the abandonment of journalistic integrity for MS Paint scribbles and ugly jokes has lowered our collective IQ some 9,000 points. Because I hate these gossipy grotesqueries and all their ilk, I wanted to put together a hot list of the most egregious times they’ve been wrong, to further shame them into putting down their laptops and going outside for a change.
TMZ Leaks Verne Troyer’s Sex Tape. This one is messed up on a number of levels. First, making the videotaped fornications of a dwarf available to the public is basically a hate crime against Humanity, so points off right at the start. And then to distribute said fornications without having permission from the dwarf in question to do so? Suicide. Mini-Me hoisted up a $20 million lawsuit against the gossip blog, only to come up empty when it was revealed that the lady of the tape, former girlfriend Ranae Shrider, was the one who’d sold it in the first place. Or at least she claims she was – speculation is that she took a payout after the fact to sink Troyer’s case.
X17 Tries To Ruin Tony Parker’s Marriage. Okay, I don’t give a rat’s ass-crap about the haggard witches of Desperate Housewives, but even I have to admit that Eva Longoria is hot in good light, and she seems totally dedicated to her dude, San Antonio Spur Tony Parker. But that didn’t stop papparazzi craphole X17 from running unsubstantiated slander from model Alexandra Paressant claiming that her and TP got busy in 2007. The funny thing? This ain’t the first time Paressant has tried this gimmick – the year before, she claimed that Brazilian soccer legend Ronaldinho (whom she was dating at the time) got so drunk before his games that he blew the World Cup. After this came out, Paressant got further busted when it was revealed that images in her modeling portfolio were actually of other, similar-looking models. A crazy chick that’s also smokin’ hot? Give me a call, Alex. I won’t judge. X17 retracted the story and all was well in the world.
Bossip: Gabrielle Union Is Cheating With An Anonymous NFL Player. One of the most deadly weapons in a gossip blog’s arsenal is the “anonymous letter” – if you want to say something nasty about someone, just make up an outside source who doesn’t want to reveal their identity and go nuts. That’s what blog site Bossip did in April of this year when they ran a letter allegedly from the wife of an NFL player alleging that her hubby and married actress Gabrielle Union were doing the dirty – despite Union’s romance with Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade. Bossip is also the site who reported that Chris Brown beat Rihanna because she gave him herpes, so it’s obvious that they haven’t learned their lesson.
Perez Hilton Announces Fidel Castro’s Death. This was so all-out retarded that it got that pink-haired lardass into the Washington Post. In August of 2007, Hilton posted that the Cuban Communist dictator had passed on, that the Miami Police Department was gearing up for massive riots in the streets, and the face of geopolitics was about to change… forever. Of course, none of that was true, but that didn’t stop him from insisting that Fidel was dead and the mainstream media was covering it up for months. Listen, Perez: stick to what you know: being fat and frantically trying to hold on to your last shreds of relevance. Leave the big boy talk to the adults.
Perez Hilton Claims Michael Jackson Is Not Actually Dead. Sort of the flipside of the last one – on June 25th, barely after Jackson’s heart had stopped, Hilton published a post that claimed that MJ was faking it, saying “Get your money back, ticket holders!!!!!” Of course, once the announcement was made that the King of Pop had passed on, Hilton tried to delete the post and pretend that nothing had ever happened. Sorry, chubs – you can’t hide that easily. Archive.org sees all, knows all. And once you get to h-e-double hockey sticks, you can share a bath in molten lava with Michael. You might be a little old for him, but your pale, soft skin is right up his alley.