Comedy

The Sensual Muppet

The Sensual MuppetI’ve been thinking a lot about what Muppets I’d like to have sex with lately. Don’t judge me! It’s dark here, and I’m cold. I need to keep warm. Here are the five Jim Henson creations that I believe to be the most sexually attractive. You should feel honored that I’m letting you into my private fantasy life like this.

SweetumsSWEETUMS
Big guy, hairy, a giant hobo ogre whose outlandish appearance and gargantuan size belie a tender nature (I got that description from the Muppet Wiki), which means he’s probably into foreplay. First debuted as a reluctant bad guy, but he’s most famous for being the would-be Hollywood star-slash-heavy lifter at Milton Berle’s used car lot in The Muppet Movie (His immortal line: “Jack not name, Jack JOB!” Well, for the purposes of this article, let’s hope so). At the very least, you know he’s got depth. Strikes me as a cuddler, probably wakes up before you the following morning and greets you with breakfast and an affectionate “Well, hi there, you.” All getting his shoes on, sitting on the edge of the bed, asking if maybe you want to get together later in the afternoon and take a walk in the park, maybe grab some lunch.

So, be warned: He’s not a one-night stand. He’s also got a long way to go with his grooming and clothes, so you ladies and fellas looking for a ‘project’ could probably do worse (like, say, Eugene Levy, as an example).

JaniceJANICE
Lead guitarist for Dr.Teeth’s Electric Mayhem band on the Muppet Show and probable heroin addict, a fine choice for the discriminating Muppet-Make-Out-Wither who’s searching for that rare candidate which actually resembles a human woman. Congratulations, your reward is a very likely case of Muppet Crabs (i.e. “Cruppets”) or, failing that, a flaming dose of Doozers.

Janice is likely a wild woman in bed, but be forewarned that when you make out with Janice, you’re effectively making out with everyone in the Electric Mayhem, and in fact will probably end up with the occasional, distinctive orange Animal hair stuck in your teeth, if you catch my drift. The making out stays top notch as long as the Chivas Regal and blow hold out, but after that, it’s her sitting naked on your couch watching your television and bitching about how you don’t have anything decent to eat in the apartment, and when you go out to get her a sandwich at the deli around the corner, she steals a bunch of your CDs and your cellphone. It’s a roller coaster ride, to be sure.

Rowlf The DogROWLF THE DOG
Smooth counts for almost everything, so don’t discount Rowlf’s dulcet tones and soft, brown eyes. Also, as a musician, you can pretty much count on Rowlf being able to procure any kind of drug you might need to “get off”. Cocaine, reefer, ecstasy, uppers, downers – the dog’s a walking pharmacy (clarification: Muppets don’t actually “walk”, they just sort of glide to the side, bouncing. Therefore, Rowlf is a gliding to the side bouncing pharmacy). Keep in mind that this will vary the make-out experience greatly, and that Rowlf is no stranger to having to work around “meth-wang”. This is where keeping a jar of peanut butter with you during all potential muppet make-out sessions really begins to pay dividends.

Sam The EagleSAM THE EAGLE
This one could go either way: On the one hand, Sam The Eagle strikes me as one of those people who knows exactly what he likes and isn’t afraid to tell you to do it. The downside of that is that those types usually want you to do things like “Fart in my butthole” and tell you to do so in clipped, stentorian tones which make the whole thing feel like a chore. Alternatively, Sam the Eagle could just as well be one of those passive-aggressive lovers who doesn’t tell you what they like, but instead they just sort of clam up and go rigid. If that’s the case, I’d recommend farting right into his butthole as quickly as possible, just to be on the safe side.

Rodeo RosieRODEO ROSIE
She’s a Cowgirl, which implies that she’s only a Jaegerbomb and an argument with her boyfriend away from riding a mechanical bull topless. Cheap, easy, and buys all her delicate underthings from Cafepress, providing it’s one of those shops selling Dale Earnhardt merchandise. Let her split a pitcher with you and tell her a couple of N-Word jokes where you substitute “Obama” as the punchline, and she’ll probably tug you off in her Ford (word of warning: Muppet handjobs are very unpleasant).

RUNNERS-UP
Snuffleupagus, that girl Gelfing from Dark Crystal who kind of looks like a Real Doll whose face has been pulled extraordinarily taut, all the goblins from Labyrinth for a Goblin Gangbang and Crazy Harry (dude can GO).

MUPPETS TO NOT MAKE OUT WITH
Gonzo (his nose gets stuck in your ear, has jealous flock of spastic avian girlfriends, reportedly has Gonzorhea), Grover (into Scat Play), Elmo (Been a registered sex offender since 2003)

SOME TIPS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN YOU MAKE OUT WITH A MUPPET:
Take it slow – don’t go straight for sticking your hand right up inside of them, unless you’d like them to move or speak, in which case do immediately stick your hand right inside of them.

Keep hydrated – you’re going to have your tongue sandwiched between the cardboard-backed sheets of a felt mitten, so remember that lubrication is not only your friend, it’s your responsibility.

Be considerate of your Muppeteer – address and grope your Muppet directly, don’t try to include the Muppeteer in the make-out session … unless he or she asks to be included, in which case you can have a Muppet three-way (more commonly known as “Doing It Oz-Style”).

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