Oh, Walmart. You’re putting people out of business left and right and you just don’t give a flip. In fact, your investors want it that way – the quicker we can move towards a one-supplier monoculture, the sooner we can get all this Soylent Green on the market. New CEO Mike Duke has launched “Project Impact,” which is designed to boost the stock price by crushing other stores like Conan the Barbarian. We got a hold of some internal documents that outline the store’s strategy – here’s what we’ve learned.
Walmart will destroy Rite Aid by moving pharmacy counters to the center of the store and offering a “Meth Lab Discount” on bulk purchases of Sudafed and fire extinguishers.
Walmart will destroy Toys R Us by expanding toy and game selections, as well as hiring 1800 real giraffes to visit every TRU store in the continental United States and crap all over everything.
Walmart will destroy Home Depot by selling entire pre-built homes, as well as issuing subprime mortgages, which have been rebranded “Rollback Loans.”
Walmart will destroy Amazon.com by introducing the “Wandle,” an E-book reader that comes pre-loaded with a subscription to Us Weekly and a bunch of beginner Sudoku puzzles.
Walmart will destroy Papa John’s Pizza by offering a round piece of cardboard soaked in Velveeta for $3.99 – two for $7.00.
Walmart will destroy Woolworth’s by traveling back in time and assassinating F.W. Woolworth before he can launch his dry goods empire.
Walmart will destroy Walmart by opening a store at the core of the earth, sending our planet spinning into the sun, incinerating aisle after aisle of low-priced merchandise.