Comedy

5 Things That Make Me Proud To Be An American This Week

Every week, I find five things that make me proud to have been born in America. This week was easy – tits, football, and wrestling. That’s America right there.

Balloon Boy

So a family builds a flying saucer thing in their yard and their precocious little six-year-old accidentally sets it to lift off as he traps himself inside. Literally the entire world watches as this flying saucer takes off towards the heavens over suburban Colorado. What sounds like the premise for the raddest 1980s kids movie ever actually happened. Forget the election crisis in Iran, this is the story that legitimizes whatever it is that’s happening with Twitter and the web and real-time news and iPhones and whatever else. We – human beings – were all watching this happen in real-time and talking about it throughout the day.

When the flying saucer thing crashed we all knew within minutes. When they didn’t find the kid inside we knew within minutes.

The climax of the whole thing was when they found the flying saucer thing…and it was empty. After that things fell apart pretty quickly. Even M. Night Shymalan thought the super secret twist ending kind of sucked. A

I mean if you’re going to find the kid hiding in the attic, it should have been after a big long wormhole trip to the beach with his dad or maybe even he’s back now but he was out there for years and years zipping around in hyperspace.

Whatever.

Meghan McCain

The McCains are an American institution. John Sidney McCain was a four-star admiral. So was his son, John Jr. You know his son, John III as the guy who got shot down over North Vietnam and then was a POW for five years and then got out and then left his crippled wife for the USC song girl daughter of a millionaire Budweiser distributor and then got busted for interfering with the Savings and Loan scandal and then twenty years later got rolled by Barry on his way to the White House.

All of that pales in comparison to what his daughter, Meghan McCain, did this week: she broke the internet. She tweeted this the other night and something like two seconds later the earth shuddered. Undersea cables broke. Satellite dishes in Russia exploded. A million T-Mobile Sidekicks burst into flames.

Honestly I didn’t know the ol’ maverick had it him. If we’d seen a little more this and a little less that, who knows how 2008 would have played out?

Dow Hits 10,000

The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed at 10,062.94, its highest close since last October. Earnings are up, the market is trending up, and home sales are struggling back to life, so…everything’s fixed, right?

Yes. No. Nobody knows.

Look folks, money is hard. Money kicks you in the dick when you wake up in the morning and it kicks you in the dick pretty much every fifteen minutes for the rest of the day.

Money is so hard that people willingly put their valuables in a plastic bag and mail it to this guy to get more of it. And now people are shocked that, shockingly, this foolproof plan has, shockingly, only resulted in this guy stealing a bunch of those valuables losing a bunch of those valuables in the mail.

The funny thing is that basically the Cash4Gold.com guy only looks more like a crook than your average guy who works at Merrill Lynch. They both take your cash or gold or whatever, promise you nothing but sunshine and puppy dogs, and at the end of the day you’re stuck with an empty bag and a funny TV commercial.

Captain Lou Albano

Captain Lou Albano: American.

Well okay he was born in Rome but he moved to the States as a kid. Once here, he assimilated pretty quickly: he played SEC football at Tennessee, joined the Army, and eventually went into pro-wrestling.

You might remember him for the rubber bands, the Hawaiian shirts, or for playing Mario on Saturday mornings, but his finest moments usually saw Cyndi Lauper by his side. The video that everyone usually remembers is Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but the true connoisseur will tell you that the one everyone knew as THE GOONIES SONG had the best music video. Ever.

Forget Thriller or November Rain or Smells Like Teen Spirit or whatever else always ends up in the top five when MTV does the big OMG BEST MUSIC VIDEOS EVAR countdown.

The Goonies R Good Enough is a legitimately good song with a pantheon-level video that builds off of the whole music videos are like little movies, man thing that was big at the time. It’s got Captain Lou in it and a ton of other mid-1980s WWF dudes which is really all you need to know. Also: probably the best deus ex machina ever.

Watch it. Yearn for a simpler time.

Rush Limbaugh

A bunch of old, rich, white guys declined to let another old, rich guy into their exclusive club. This is news because the jilted lover in this case is Rush Limbaugh and the exclusive club is the National Football League. It is also positively delectably hilarious.

We had a similar but different public squabble last year when Mark Cuban flirted with buying the Chicago Cubs, which would have been awesome. The old women who run baseball, though, don’t want any of that in our National Pastime; they made sure that the billionaire l’enfant terrible wasn’t welcome in baseball. The man only built the Dallas freaking Mavericks into a contender, increased the accountability and visibility of NBA referees, and established a relationship with the fans that is almost maybe too transparent. Bud Selig and his old women took one look at that and said “ehhh…maybe not“.

Whereas Cuban would have only brought entertaining and thought-provoking things to the table, the now-failed Rush Limbaugh experiment was sure to only bring entertaining and unintentionally hilarious things. Like it did last time, when he was on ESPN for something like five seconds before he unloaded his BFG of pomposity right in Tom Jackson’s face on live television.

White people who were shocked and appalled that Rush was railroaded and crucified and lynched (and whichever other racist Jim Crow terms they want to ironically appropriate) out of the proposed St. Louis Rams ownership group need to realize one thing: outside of your little club, nobody likes Rush.

It’s like you’re the new kid at your high school and you’re a freshman and you fall in with the D&D crowd because Hey, You’re New and there’s the one kid – the Alpha Dork – whom everyone else looks up to because maybe he’s the DM and he knows what time it is and then one day you pay attention at school and you realize that literally everyone else at school wants to kick his ass.

Check out our Proud To Be An American archive.

1251465204_aaron-b-murray.jpgAaron B. Murray writes words and makes pictures. He is credited on more than a few high profile video game releases as well as an ever-growing stack of unproduced screenplays. Originally from East Tennessee, he currently lives in Utah with his wife and a ridiculous dachshund. Follow him on Twitter at murray_cod

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