Everyone has it drilled into their head from the time they become conscious of sweet lady liquor that you’re never supposed to drink and then drive. But no one ever tells you that sometimes you’re too drunk to even walk home. These are not especially proud moments, but they do happen, and here are some signs that you should probably just grab the nearest couch. I am a professional and I speak from experience.
You are probably too drunk to walk home . . .
1. If, before the party you bought a whole case(that’s 24 beers for the innocent)of, say, Molson Ice, and when you go to grab another one you find that you have already polished off the case. Not a good sign. You could try to walk, but I would suggest heading towards the emergency room instead of home.
2. If whenever you stand up the room tilts like you just crawled out of a washing machine set on the spin cycle. This may be normal if you are training to become a fighter pilot or an astronaut and you need to be able to handle extreme dizziness. But, in all likelihood you are just a drunk and it might be a good idea to settle in for the night.
3. If, after taking the first steps into the dark and terrible night you look and feel like an extra in a zombie flick. You aren’t going to make it very far if you are lurching forward looking like you’re starving for brains.
4. If, at any time during the party, you overhear your friends talking about one of them walking back home so they can pick up a van or a truck, drive it back to the party and toss you inside like a sack of drunk potatoes. When even your fellow drunks are willing to risk a DUI because you are too filthy drunk to even make it out the front door, it might be time to start reevaluating your choices for the evening.
5. If, during the course of the party, you ask someone to dance just so that they can hold you up while you stumble around the room. Using another human being for transport is probably a pretty good sign that you may have had a little too much fun.
6. If the idea of walking home seems to you as epic as the journey to Mordor in Lord of the Rings. The drunker you get, the more perilous the journey seems, and if you get to the point where you are afraid that Orcs will jump out of the bushes at you or that dragons will attack you on the sidewalk, you might want to start getting comfortable with the sofa.
7. If you drink so much that your idea of time and space becomes warped. Sometimes the journey does indeed seem like the trek to Mordor. However, there are other times that you may think it is only a five minute walk to your place, but chances are this is the alcohol thinking for you. The reality is that no matter how much liquid strength you have coursing through you, you probably will not be able to cover 5-10 miles in 5-10 minutes. You may think you are Usain Bolt riding a cheetah, but in reality you will be more like Frankenstein riding a donkey.
8. If, on the slim chance that you do make it a little ways down the road, every cop car that passes by slows to a crawl and shines a flashlight on you. You may think you are maintaining, but trust me, you look like a degenerate. It’s not a good sign when the police can’t tell whether you are drunk or a crack head.
9. If there is any chance that you might vomit on the way home. Look, sometimes when you drink, you throw up. It isn’t pretty, it isn’t dignified, but it happens. The last thing you want though is for someone to find you passed out on the side of the road with a shirt covered in dried vomit, or to be found staggering down the street looking like you just ate out a pumpkin.
10. If you watch your friend who you consider to be the sober and responsible friend attempt to ride his bike home only to crash it into the nearest garbage can. If he can’t even ride a bike ten feet, you shouldn’t attempt to even walk to the front door.
If you follow these guidelines, you should be just fine. Of course, if you find yourself routinely needing to refer to them you may possibly be an alcoholic and a degenerate, but you must take these things one step at a time. Just getting home in one piece should do for now. And sometimes, getting home in one piece means knowing when to give in to the sweet embrace of a loving couch.