!!! SPOILER ALERT !!!! SPOILER ALERT !!!
On October 9, B.O. was announced as the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace prize. Some, including Dick Cheney’s transgendered daughter, the President himself, and a visibly drunk Kanye West have questioned whether he deserves it. But it doesn’t matter: Barack Obama is going to be the award-winningest President in American history and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
It’s inevitable. The next 3 and 27/100th years are going to be full of trophies and non-stop honoraria. Why? Because the dollar bill is worth about a nickel and crazy white guys are stockpiling weapons. Before things get too much nuttier we have to shower our chief executive with praise, perfume him with accolades, and scrub him with a luffa made out of clapping as hard as we can and never stopping no matter what. Our fawning will get so intense that Obama will wish he was never born, which he never was by the way, email me later, I’ll sketch out the argument.
This is the list of every award that Obama will win. These are not nominations – each of these is a done deal. The list was obtained via Freedom of Information Act request after harassing Rahm Emanuel’s live-in masseuse over Facebook didn’t pan out. Don’t read it if you love surprises or are Glenn Beck.
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. This one has been announced already. Supposedly it is for Obama’s “not being a murderer.” This makes Obama only the second multiple-Grammy winner to win the Peace Prize (Leann Rimes, 2003, by mistake but it’s too late now).
ACADEMY AWARD, BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR. For his portrayal of “C-Exec” in the movie House Party 4: Party Politics. This is a fake movie that co-stars Nancy Pelosi as the reanimated corpse of an oversexed grandmother and Cedric the Entertainer as himself as someone else. Craft services provided by Barney Frank.
NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS. For his work in the field of pectorals. His shirt is always off on purpose, have you noticed that?
PERFECT ATTENDANCE. As a joke they offer Cheney the presenter role for this award, but everyone is shocked when Cheney accepts, then laughs, then makes a joke about government-sanctioned gangrapist immunity, then has a heart attack, then shoots himself in the face, then disappears in a cloud of choking smoke.
AVN AWARD. Best Male Newcomer.
GOLD MEDAL, SPEED SKATING. This one is crazy because he is in last place the whole time and then Sarah Palin takes a dump on the ice and everybody falls down except Obama!! Obama wins!!!
HASTY PUDDING MAN OF THE YEAR. Obama returns to Harvard to get feted by overeducated crossdressers who will never know pain or hardship. Obama tells a joke about Yale and does not cry.
BEST DRESSED. Michelle Obama doesn’t win this because she tries too hard. Bright red! Bright yellow! Jesus.
NBA CHAMPION. At a charity event for doe-eyed orphans, Kobe Bryant is going to give his 2009 NBA Championship trophy to Obama, then Kobe and the orphans and Obama are going to build a house and paint it (it won’t take long). Then they’ll pose for a photo in front of the house. Then Kobe and the President will play a game of one-on-one and Obama will beat Kobe on a drive. Then Kobe will high-five Obama and the orphans and then over on the sidelines he will give his wife Vanessa a four million dollar diamond ring and say baby I love you and she will react coldly while fingering the ring.
WORLD’S GREATEST DAD. This one is easy because it can be done on Oprah and it reminds everyone that Bush’s daughters were terrible.