A Citizens Guide on How to Keep The Planet of the Apes from Happening
Provided by the U.S.Commission For Keeping The Planet of the Apes from Happening / A Joint Office of the Federal Emergency Management Agency and Department of Homeland Security
Chapter 1: What is the Planet of the Apes, and why should I be concerned?
In some ways, we already live on a planet of the apes – Yes, it’s true!
Gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees, gibbons, sasquatches, bigfoots and many other familiar primate species are currently living peacefully beside us in our many circuses, zoos and laboratories!
Whether you know it or not, you probably have an ape to thank for your comfortable, contemporary standard of living, owing to their contributions in the fields of:
- Pharmaceutical Drug Testing (30% fatality rate)
– Cosmetic Testing (40% fatality rate)
– Amusing Calendars and Wall Posters Featuring Chimpanzees in Human Clothes With Humorous Captions Written in Cartoon Balloons (80% fatality rate)
– Food (100% fatality rate)
But these are the apes from A planet of the apes, not THE Planet of the Apes. If THE Planet of the Apes were to ever happen, you might suddenly find yourself no longer just eating chimpanzees or riding orangutans like shaggy little orange ponies, but dancing for the amusement of an ill-tempered Gorilla landowner instead – – overnight!
Should you be concerned? Absolutely! No one wants the Planet of the Apes to happen!
This guide is designed to aid the average citizen in keeping the Planet of the Apes from happening, either globally or in your very own backyard. This guide will teach you about the many warning signs of the Planet of the Apes happening, how to proactively resist if the Planet of the Apes starts to happen, and how to cope if the Planet of the Apes has already happened.
Remember: Our greatest defense against the Planet of the Apes happening is education (second greatest is guns), so be aware and prepared!
Chapter Two: How to recognize that the Planet of the Apes might be happening
Our first defense against the Planet of the Apes happening is vigilance (second greatest is still guns), and we, as a society, must depend on our individual citizens keeping their eyes open for clear signs of even the possibility of a little bit of the Planet of the Apes happening. Here are some possible indications that the Planet of the Apes might be happening right under your very nose:
Pay attention to the local and national news. Are there more articles casting apes in a positive light than usual? These may be the product of pressure from powerful but secretive pro-ape lobbying groups at the executive level.
Do you detect a heretofore unnoticed air of hostility or secrecy among the apes which have been trained to serve you in a domestic capacity? Do you even HAVE an ape butler or ape maid? That’s kind of a warning sign right there!
Did you actually hear that chimpanzee at the circus say “Mama”? Listen closely now, the world as we know it depends on you!
Chapter Three: Do Not Teach Apes to Ride Horses
Choose an answer to the following scenario below – don’t put too much thought into it, just give the first response that pops into your head:
Q: A friend shows you that he has taught an ape how to ride a horse. How do you feel about such a thing?
- Ha-ha, that is a very funny image, an ape riding a horse.
- The very idea is awful, and makes me angry.
It’s only natural to laugh when picturing such a thing as an ape riding a horse. It’s often very amusing to see animals performing activities normally reserved for humans, such as when a dog learns to ride a skateboard, or a llama smokes a cigar. However, the unfortunate truth is that apes’ learning to ride horses is one of the early warning signs that the Planet of the Apes may be happening!
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you suspect you may be, inadvertently or otherwise, teaching an ape to ride a horse, remember TATRAHUSI! It’s a simple mnemonic that means: Teach Apes To Ride A Horse? Unlikely, Say I! Keep it in mind!
TEST YOUR APE-RIDING-A-HORSE IQ: You see a tiny monkey in a cowboy costume riding an Australian Shepherd in a rodeo. Is this cause for concern? Explain your answer, using examples.
Chapter Four: A Possible Timeline of how the Planet of the Apes Will Happen
The Present: Apes exist in comparative harmony with man, providing valuable learning opportunities and entertainment in our many zoos and laboratories. There are minimal-to-negligible efforts on behalf of world’s population of orangutans to develop an ape-centric religious oligarchy. No Planet of the Apes has happened yet.
Soon: Some Apes are taught to speak; others are given guns, possibly as a joke. At first.
Soon After That: The Apes turn on their human friends and masters, or at least start getting a little snippy. The efforts of the world’s population of orangutans to develop an ape-centric religious oligarchy gains a popular foothold with fringe groups of disenfranchised apes, largely in the inner cities. Jokes which disparage apes are removed from late-night television monologues, for fear of offending an emerging demographic.
The Immediate Future: The Planet of the Apes happens!
Chapter Five: What to do in case the Planet of the Apes happens
In times of crisis, disaster and social unrest, you would usually be directed to seek instructions from your local authorities. If the Planet of the Apes happens, don’t bother! In a Planet of the Apes, Human institutions such as police, emergency medical, search and rescue and civil engineering will have already been turned over to Ape authorities – who may not prove to be sympathetic to human complaints.
Your best bet might be to band with other humans and find sanctuary in the bombed-out, irradiated hellholes which will be all that remain of our cities. Additionally, if you have an assertive – or “Type-A” – personality, this might prove an excellent opportunity to establish a tinpot dictatorship of your very own, molding usurped human refugees into a jack-booted army hellbent on ape-genocide. It’s something to think about, anyway.
Barring that, here are several handy tips which may help you to survive if the Planet of the Apes completely happens and you can’t stop it:
Prepare for significant changes in your standards of living
Play the Quiet Game
Are you exceptionally hairy? Do you have a pronounced upper lip? Congratulations, you might be able to “pass”. Use your entre into ape society to secretly aid your fellow humans, or alternatively, screw ‘em, you got yours
If you have access to any means of television or radio broadcast, consider sending a plea for help to Superman, the Green Lantern, or any other key member of the Justice League
Chapter Six: Do’s and Don’ts
DO: Be aware of possible signs of dissent within the ape community in your area, such as large numbers of apes joining fringe political groups or, for that matter, the existence of an ape community in your area
DON’T: Look an ape directly in the eye or bare your teeth, which they consider to be signs of aggression
DO: Remember, however, that these rules are often suspended during trans-species lovemaking
DON’T: Give as good as you get; poop-flinging is just demeaning to both our species
DO: Remember your basic ape etiquette; “dirty ape” is an epithet, “differently clean primate” is preferred
DON’T: Finally really do it, don’t blow it up (damn you, god damn you to hell!)
Chapter Seven: Never forget to keep the Planet of the Apes from happening!
Remember, the three keys to keeping the Planet of the Apes from happening are vigilance, TATRAHUSI and you! The fourth key is guns.