It’s Columbus Day, or, as the dirty people down the block call it, “Indigenous Oppression Day.” Or, even worse, “Canadian Thanksgiving.” Yes, banks are closed, the mail lays fallow in the postal bags, and the unlucky few sit behind their computer monitors at work despite nothing… happening. For those few, bored souls, I present this handy list of Top 10 Ways To Celebrate Columbus Day.
1) Make a special dinner of “Sailor’s Fare” to replicate the chow Columbus and his crew ate on the way over – salted fish and pork, hardtack crackers, molasses, raisins, and fresh-braised merman shanks.
2) Discover a new land in your own backyard – designate one kid to be the “Native Son” and let your other kids get him drunk and give him a disease of their choosing.
3) Drive to Canada and steal Thanksgiving dinner, hooting “Socialize THIS, Obama!” out of the window of your 4×4.
4) Find the King and Queen of Spain – you can use Google for this.Go to their house and ask them for an allowance of 12,000 pesos and a piece of paper that mandates all Spanish citizens give you free food and lodging. Outfit three ships with a sturdy crew and make sail for Asia. Instead, wind up in a strange new land populated by odd people. Bring back syphillis. If you have time, perform a play or skit based on your experiences.
5) Get wasted and walk around the neighborhood with your pants around your ankles. It’s Monday night, after all.