So the Internet is abuzz by the hilarious news that Nicolas Cage, the worst actor of our generation, is flat broke, with six million dollars of unpaid taxes and a two million dollar loan that he’s in default on. The actor has already sold his German castle to dig himself out of the pit he’s in, but how did this happen? How did the beloved star of The Wicker Man blow through the millions and millions of dollars he takes home from some of the worst movies we’ve ever seen? The public reports are here, but Heavy.com got ahold of some sensitive financial documents that will shock you.
– Sold his $1,600,000 comic book collection, containing numerous extremely rare back issues, only to re-invest the money in Pogs.
– Bought a pet mouse. Bought a cat to kill the mouse. Bought a dog to kill the cat. Bought a cheetah to kill the dog. Bought a polar bear to kill the cheetah. Bought two king cobras to kill the polar bear. Bought an octopus to kill the two king cobras. The exotic animals store refused to sell him anything that could kill an octopus.
– Spent nearly $800,000 on plastic surgery to give himself something called a “gentleman’s ass.”
– $60,000 spread out over eighteen different Nigerian email scams, including two honorary dukedoms and a condensed milk franchise.
– $276,000 for a dinosaur skull and then an additional $33,000 in sexy outfits for the dinosaur skull, none of which were worn more than once.
– $1.4 million to an Internet start-up that promised to remove any reference to him being Italian from the sphere of all human knowledge. The CEO is currently interning at Facebook and wouldn’t return our calls.
– A car that ran on farts.