So Barack Obama is wrestling with the hundred-headed hydra known as “Health Care Reform,” and many pundits are predicting that if he gets his way, we’ll be forced to undergo horrible treatments by unpaid doctors under a Socialist dictator. You know, like in Canada. But what about those of us who don’t have affordable health care now? I decided to take a look back to the past and develop a three-step program based on the curative methods of our ancestors. They didn’t have health insurance in olden times, also they didn’t have medicine for the health insurance to pay for. Fortunately I’ve got the same guts of gold and thoughts of brass that allowed those people to go on to become our grandparents before they died from goblin raids or whatever, which is why I decided to take this chance to accept the mantle of my ancestors and save a whole gob of money by healing myself like the doctor I know I am, deep down: House.
Remember, these are brutal solutions for a brutal situation, so don’t actually try any of them unless you’re not opposed to the possibility of accidentally brutalizing yourself, possibly to a brutal death.
EAT MOLD. Penicillin, history’s most-beloved cure, is mold grown from orange peels, and penicillin kills most bacteria. Unless you have a virus, eating mold should cure you of your illness. It might also kill you. It’s been published lately that penicillin has been over-prescribed for years, allowing bacteria, which reproduce at an astounding rate, to develop an immunity to penicillin through adaptation.
In order to avoid this, if you get sick, you should probably eat all the mold you can possibly find, in order to keep the bacteria guessing. Leave all your fruits and veggies out for a few days and take a big bite out of each of them. Go to the mountains and kill a deer, wait for the head to rot, and eat some of that. Eat some mold off a log too, while you’re out there. You should probably also eat some old cheese. There is no way any ailment could survive such a righteous onslaught.
Life is constantly devouring itself, and mold is the purely corrupted state of homogenized desolation to which all biology is inevitably cast; there is no way to stop it. Eat as much mold as you can, and you will probably either be healed or vomit until you die, which would be your way of helping to “heal” Mother Earth through your re-integration, just like our good friend Michael Jackson always recommended. So there’s no way you can really go wrong with this plan.
SET YOURSELF ON FIRE. Medieval times people didn’t know that diseases are actually tiny animals, and that you can kill them the same way you can kill something big – with bullets. There’s no bullet small enough to stop them (actually there are, but only scientists have them, and if you are a scientist, and you are reading this, congratulations on finding this wonderful website and I hereby request a package of tiny, tiny bullets) but fire kills everything, including bitch ass diseases.
If you have a cold, I’m not telling you to swallow a coal, then you’d have a cold yourself and you’d have coaled yourself and you wouldn’t find yourself benefiting from either, because unless you allow yourself to be swallowed entirely by flame then heat’s no good for remedying diseases which have spread to the bodily interior. You’ll find heat of the most use at the site of topical wounds and infections, and it’s probably better than nothing for black plague or Ebola.
Here’s what to do. Wherever you have a wound or boil or fissure that you know shouldn’t be there, put the flame to it. You can use heated metal, pieces of coal, or if you think you can control its flow, scalding water. The application of any of the aforementioned elements to the site of an infection will kill any disease in that location and will also make you feel like a tough 1900s sailor who is getting a tattoo of a burn mark on their body.
Be forewarned that you shouldn’t use heat too liberally, remember – when people say “die in a fire” it isn’t just some joke! You could really die in a fire! However if you remember to keep the fire to the site of the infection, then only the disease will die, and then it is you who will have the last laugh.
GET OR STAY IN SHAPE. Simply keeping your body strong helps it to reject a wide variety of illnesses. It’s hard to stay in shape, so try to motivate yourself by walking to a place where you know a lot of people are about to fart, then wait for them to do it so you’ll be motivated to run away from that place. Repeat this process frequently enough, and you’ll find you enjoy running so much that you won’t care if anyone is farting or not. Heck, you might even fart a little yourself!
If you find weight lifting challenging, practice inner mental conceptualization to pretend there is an ugly person who wants to be friends with you, and the only way to stop that from happening is to punch them right in the heart. This is a time-honored technique used by such physical specimens as Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sometimes life’s problems can seem oppressive, but if we remember to exert a little effort and ingenuity, even our most serious problems can be overcome. I hope that as you jam hot metal pokers and wads of blue slime into your sweating carcass that you see just how carefree life can be when you empower yourself, and that you carry this new sense of self determinism with you until the point at which you once again require my wise advice, or you die.