Thanksgiving is a time for friends and family, for gathering around the table and making a big fat hog of yourself on turkey, candied yams, green beans, stuffing, and all that other great food. That being said, sometimes you hate your family and want them to die. In that case, we here at Heavy have decided to bring you some of the most disgusting meal ideas we could find – both from traditional cuisines around the world and from fine upstanding American brands. Read on, if you dare, but you might want to keep a barf bag handy.
Ortolan: An Ortolan is a small European songbird, and the traditional French dish featuring this cute lil’ chirper will quite possibly turn you vegan. Ortolans are caught in the wild in big nets. Then they’re force fed until they double or triple in size. Now bloated and disgusting, they are literally drowned in cognac and then roasted. So far, so good. But when the Ortolan comes to the table, that’s when the horror begins. You eat an Ortolan whole. You pop the entire goddamned thing into your mouth and chew it up. Bones, guts, and all. You’re actually supposed to do this with a napkin over your head, ostensibly to savor the smell and the flavor, but let’s face it, this is one step below biting the head off a live bat, and nobody wants to see that at the table. Unless Ozzy comes over.
Pork Faggots: Okay, so these are basically just like balls of tripe or scrapple or any of those other trash-that’s-left-over-after-we-got-all-the-bacon-and-ham-out of the pig. You chop up pig innards, mix in some onion and herbs and breadcrumbs to hold it together, and boom, you got yourself a pork faggot. This is no more or less gross than chitlins or Potted Meat or any of that stuff, but man, it’s called PORK FAGGOTS. “Honey, do you want another faggot?” “No thanks, dear, I’m just stuffed with faggots!” “Gee, dad, you sure make a great faggot!” You can get tons of similarly childish jokes out of this material, because faggots are always funny.
Tiet Canh: That photo actually looks kind of tasty, doesn’t it? Like a nice hot bowl of tomato soup, right? Well, you’re wrong. That’s tiet canh, which is a Vietnamese soup made from duck blood. As if the fact that it’s a dish full of duck blood with peanuts and spices on top, it’s served cold. That way, the blood coagulates, you see. The end result is about the consistency of pudding. Duck blood peanut pudding.
Kopi Luwak: Coffee made from beans that were pooped out by a civet. A civet is a mongoose/weasel lookin’ thing. That’s the first photo. The second photo is civet turds, with coffee beans in it. In addition to being one of the most disgusting foods in the world, “civet turd farmer” is probably one of the most disgusting jobs in the world. Only 1000 pounds of beans are produced a year, so if you want to get your hands on some weasel-crap flavored coffee, expect to drop between $100 and $600 a pound. And you thought Folger’s was nasty.
Balut: Everyone always brings up balut – any list of TOTALLY GROSS FOODS MANG is going to have balut on it. There’s a reason – it’s a damn hard boiled egg with the baby bird still inside. These are popular around Southeast Asia. All those TV shows where boring suburban white folks have to go to some “exotic” Asian destination have a balut-eating contest, because that’s soooo weird and nasty! I mean, foreigners eat it! On the street! Have they no shame? Or maybe it’s just a different culture, and they’d find something like Barbeque Spam Muffins (seriously, wait for Part 2) just as disgusting as we find balut.
…Nah. That’s nasty.
Hákarl: Icelandic dish, shark buried and allowed to rot for two or three months to get all the piss and bile out (Fun Fact: Sharks don’t have dongs – they basically piss through their skin!) Then it’s hung up and dried, where it turns brown and crusty. Hákarl is so nasty that even top-shelf food experts like Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsay said it was the nastiest thing they’d ever eaten. Ramsay puked after eating it. When a guy who cleans up nasty-ass restaurants for a living barfs, you know you’ve found the holiday dish from hell.
Tomorrow: Equally disgusting foods brought to you by America’s favorite companies. Bring a napkin!