Comedy

Workout Report Card

Workout Report CardIf you’re like me, you first arrived at heavy.com expecting fashion tips on how to make a chubby teenaged girl’s body attractive when attached to the head of a man in his mid-twenties. You may have started to lactate. You are also very possibly reassessing the lifestyle choices you’ve made that have brought you to this point. Maybe, even more like me, you’re looking at photos of yourself shirtless from this summer and listening to classical music, vowing to never let the shame and humiliation of your friends’ sarcastic catcalls torment you ever again. So, like me, you’ve decided to enact a proactive solution to your fitness concerns by undertaking a healthful fitness regimen beyond your current regime of irregular, lazy masturbation, chewing food until you sweat, and Fantasy Nascar powered by Yahoo! Sports.

But which method is best for you? Science has figured out a billion ways to make your body’s fat turn to lean, sexy muscle that women want to dig their palms into and gently nibble and rub their erect nipples against until they erupt in a volcanic orgasm of vaginal effluvium, but can any of science’s methods possibly merit all the work they require? I took it upon myself to evaluate some of the most popular exercise programs out there, and to determine whether any of them were worth spending your hard-earned Team Fortress 2 time.

Running

Running

History

Running was invented about two thousand years ago by the Indians of south and central America, but first introduced to white people by Forrest Gump as a means of adding 10 minutes to an already long movie. It has since become immensely popular amongst members of the privileged upper-middle class in America who live in constant fear of the long-overdue uprising by the oppressed underclasses, whom they keep idle and slow with cheap fast food and recreational diabetes.

Utility

Contrary to popular belief, running is not just the coward’s way out; it’s also an effective way of wearing down your prey until they are weak and exhausted, so that you can then pounce upon them and gash their throats. But what are you, some kind of creepy stalker? You’re just gonna use it to run away from young, fashionable black people who you think want your precious iPhone. Dude, that thing has Dave Matthews Band on it, don’t flatter yourself. You may also use running to chase down ice cream trucks, or run away from war.

What kind of body will it give you?

The ideal runner’s body resembles that of a normal, healthy adult afflicted with a terrible combination of cancer, chemotherapy intended to halt the spread of cancer, being chained up in your father’s basement and forced to bear his children, and ebola. Veins protrude through tightly wrapped, elastic skin, laying bare for everyone to see the flesh and viscera that skin is generally used to hide. You’ll look like one of the vivisected Chinese dissidents at those Bodyworks shows, only more kissy and less encased in glue.

Cost

Running is one of the cheapest ways to exercise, as it requires only public space and a minimal investment in lamé shorts and finger shoes. (Note that this does not include the cost of doctor’s fees from when you eventually snap a ligament or are brutally gang-raped in a bush.)

Conclusion

Running is useful for anyone who lives in constant fear or enjoys feeling the heft of their breasts bouncing as they try to not make eye contact with the scores of fat, worthless idiots they have to run past every morning. Also it takes a lot of motivation and willpower to get up at 5 in the morning and run in a big circle around your stupid, boring neighborhood unless you’re willing to hire someone to jump through your window with a knife every day, which unfortunately negates running’s intrinsic cost advantage and if you are feeling hungover or grouchy you may decide to just shoot them instead.

Overall Grade

D-

P90X

P90X

History

P90X is the latest incarnation of man’s attempt to get healthy by watching TV and doing what it tells you to do, which you have already been training to do your entire life. If you are willing to jump up and down and punch things in the air because some muscled asshole on your TV tells you to, you’ll probably also buy his DVD’s and weight sets and nutrition shakes and pictures of him posing with his ripe, well-oiled muscles. You could compare it to past TV exercise programs like Tae Bo, Jazzercise, and Salt ‘n Pepa videos, except that it is angled to make you think that it will turn you into a badass cage fighter who isn’t afraid to beat up your girlfriend or anyone at the mall who tries to stop you. It was invented by Tony Horton, a professional unemployed actor and typical Los Angeles douchebag, which makes him about as qualified to develop a workout system as anyone else who’s ever tried.

Utility

P90X is supposed to based on the same principles as cross-training, which is what Bo Jackson was doing back when he was destroying every Tecmo Bowl record ever made, but most of the advertising seems to focus on how you’ll be able to show off how meaty your new pecs and delts and other swarthy, Latin muscles are. Maybe it could also prepare you for breaking out of secret Egyptian jail or fighting off a sasquatch but most likely you’ll just use it to try new sex moves that involve more standing than you’re used to.

What kind of body will it give you?

According to its wikipedia page, a body similar to that of Sheryl Crow, Pink, and the kicker for the Philadelphia Eagles. This is actually the P90X’s strongest suit, as it was developed by an aspiring actor to give him big Hollywood muscles that catch shadows well and appreciate a good oiling. It should also convince bullies to stop kicking sand in your eyes and making fun of your sunken, feminine nipples.

Cost

Like anything else that makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, it costs a heaping royal Duckburg of money. Beyond the DVD’s you’re supposed to buy a pull-up bar, push-up handles, gloves, a full set of dumbbells, and a yoga mat. In addition, factor in the cost to your dignity of purchasing a yoga mat. Sometimes when you spend that much money up front you’re more likely to follow through on your commitment to work out, but sometimes you’re not and you just look like an even bigger, broker asshole. I recommend meditating on your new yoga mat for about half an hour to determine which kind of person you’ll be.

Conclusion

P90X is a great workout solution if your job is to look pretty and you like getting called a lazy pussy by a man on TV. However, if you are prone to umbrage or just don’t trust what anyone says on TV, you would be more well-suited to just calling up your dad every day and telling him you need some more money for the video art installation you’re working on.

Overall Grade

B

Bicycling

Cycling

History

Bicycles were invented in the early 1800’s, but failed to gain popularity until the advent of the automobile, when they were better able serve as a smug, counter-cultural alternative. Since its inception cycling technology has made tremendous advances, but a bicycle still requires you to push pedals, or employ the use of low-paid foreign-born workers to push the pedals for you. Presently, bicycles are used primarily by hipsters who have had their driver’s licenses revoked, lycra aficionados, and the Chinese.

Utility

Biking is actually pretty useful, presuming you live in an area with zero elevation changes, an urban infrastructure designed to accommodate bikes, don’t mind arriving at places reeking of your body’s natural musk, and consider having your principal method of conveyance stolen every three to six months a form of equitable wealth redistribution. If this doesn’t describe your situation, you can make up for it by feigning interest in the environment or pretending you’re too poor to afford gasoline at a price the market has shown it will bear.

What kind of body will it give you?

Most of the cyclists I’ve ever seen have looked like better fed runners, except dressed in ridiculous spandex wind-suits or in typical hipster fashions, albeit with a single pant leg rolled up à la LL Cool J circa 1991. That said, there are precious few obese bikers, so I guess it does what it’s supposed to, or the fat ones just get hit by cars and die.

Cost

A bike can cost anywhere from almost nothing to a few thousand dollars, but if you’re good this semester and keep your grades up, maybe your mom and I will get you one for Christmas.

Conclusion

Oh look at you, aren’t you a precious David Byrne acolyte, connecting with your environment and fellow man and building your lung capacity and lowering your standing heart rate and doing sweet skid stops and popping wheelies. Isn’t this exactly what you thought adulthood would be like?

Grade

Go to hell.

Steroids

Anabolic Steroids

History

Steroids were invented by some Nazi doctor who discovered that there existed a chemical inside of all of us a thousand times more powerful than love. That chemical was called testosterone, and it had the power to turn regular men into final bosses. The only catch was that to ingest it in any useful quantity, you had to drink several thousand gallons of urine. Several years later testosterone was isolated and synthesized, and piss drinking was forever relegated to the backburners of competitive athletics. In its place, every other form of competitive athletics sprang forward, each borne of the spirit of concealing the use of performance enhancing steroids.

Utility

While not by themselves considered a workout technique, steroids can render any typical exercise super-effective, and even in the absence of any exercise can significantly increase lean muscle mass. Also they can make your dick bigger, put hair on your skinny, sunken chest, and help your body heal from injury more rapidly.

Special Section: Steroids sound awesome! Why are they illegal?

Because about 2 in 100 guys will take too many of them and hurt their livers or punch their girlfriends, and also because if athletes use them too much we’ll never know if Stan Musial was really the greatest hitter of all time, and keeping “untainted” sports records is more important than the general well-being of the citizenry, according to lobbyists for the major sports organizations and nerdy obsessive baseball card collectors.

What kind of body will it give you?

A body with more lean muscle mass, until you stop, and the muscle mass becomes fat, and you start to grow tits, and you start sprouting zits on your face and back, and your balls shrink. But really, most of those are only the result of taking too much, so you should try to be reasonable in your consumption, as with anything else you put in your body, like aspirin, or food.

Cost

Steroids cost money, and because they’re illegal you have to deal with shady assholes at the gym, and also if you get caught buying them or using them you could go to jail, and the money you spend on them usually goes to unsavory types like the mob, even though it should probably just be going to unsavory types like the pharmaceutical industry. But at least you wouldn’t have to watch any obnoxious DVD’s, or ride around on a bike like a stupid clown.

Conclusion

I’m not allowed to use this space to advocate any illegal activity, but reasonable and measured use of steroids is probably less likely to cause you injury than actually working out. If they were legal and your physician were able to direct you to their proper usage and dosage, I would, in my capacity as some dickhead on the Internet, recommend that you ask a qualified medical professional whether anabolic steroids are right for you. But unless you’re Mexican royalty or good buddies with Brian McNamee, odds are you can’t. Tough luck, fatso, enjoy your 10-speed.

Grade

F – SEE ME AFTER CLASS (BRING SOME STEROIDS)

Win a $1,000 Christmas Amazon shopping spree

Join Heavy's daily email newsletter to enter to win a $1,000 Christmas Shopping Spree on Amazon
Read the sweepstakes rules here.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 871 other followers