Comedy

5 Things That Make Me Proud To Be An American This Week

Every week, I spotlight five great things about this wacky country of ours, to remind myself that I could be Canadian.

Always Be Closing

So this lady in Iowa goes in for an oil change. She left with a new car she couldn’t afford. Eight hours later.

You might call the salesperson responsible something loaded like hyperaggressive or predatory. I would call him a closer. Possibly an asshole, but definitely a closer.

It sounds like the sales crew over at Holmes Hyundai in Des Moines had just finished watching Glengarry Glen Ross like 10 times in a row, pounded some Rockstars, did a line or two, and wandered out into the sunlight only to find a defenseless 77 year-old woman waiting to get her oil changed. Someone might as well have dropped a 77 year-old woman into the velociraptor paddock.

Those dudes were so coked up amped up and Baldwin’ed up that they would have sold that lady to a pack of roving Gypsies. But they didn’t have any Gypsies. Or old ladies, really. What they did have, though, was a new Hyundai.

These cats allegedly told her to “stop paying for Medicare” so that she could afford the new car payment.

Now, think about that. Think about that and apply it to your life. Maybe you don’t pay for Medicare. Fine, but there are things you pay for every month. Things like your house. If I just upped and stopped paying my mortgage every month, I could afford the payments on a brand-new Aston Martin.

Which, really, if you think about it, is probably a fair trade – a new Aston Martin probably costs the same as a house, and it definitely gets better gas mileage. Even with the V12.

The Jersey Shore

Something like 87% of all shows on cable TV these days are either rip-offs or crappy imitations of The Real World. A lot of these are “twists” on the original idea: instead of putting eight strangers in a house with nothing to do and laughing at the insanity, they put eight strangers in a house with questionable, embarrassing, or outright degrading goals or prizes on the line.

All these shows are the same, the formula is the same, the people are the same, and so on and so forth but then I got home last night and saw that everyone on the Twitter was losing their shit over Jersey Shore. So, I mean, I had to watch it.

It’s nonsense like this that makes me proud of America. I like it when we do things better than anyone else. I like it when we reach and strive and really push ourselves to be the best we can be. The best. Or the tannest. Or the WTF-est. Yeah bro.

I mean, yeah, they’re guidos. But goddammit, they’re our guidos. And that’s good enough for me. And America.

A Tiger Woods Moratorium

I’ve hit F5 over at TMZ something like 85,000 times in the last week trying to stay on top of this Tiger nonsense. But not today. Instead, let’s all enjoy something not at all perverted or related to sex: lunch.

Dubai Is Broker Than We Are

That magnificent sonofabitch did it again.

Reagan single-handedly won the Cold War by outspending the Soviets. It was like the drinking scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark – Reagan was Karen Allen and the big Sherpa dude was Russia and all the booze was dollars. Or oil.

ANYWAYS Reagan spent tons of money on all kinds of crazy stuff that the Soviets could never afford but they tried to match him dollar-for-dollar anyways and then poof one day everyone in Moscow woke up and they didn’t have a country anymore. The Soviet Union was kaput.

Now, the same week that Reagan returned – albeit as a zombie – it comes out that Dubai World is broke. As in broker than we are. I guess it turns out that all those islands and future skyscrapers and whatever else insane crap they were building out there in the desert were worse investments than that time I got sucked into selling Xango.

Iowa

Iowa. Been a long time. At least…10 paragraphs?

Look, things just ain’t been the same since I read that book about food and corn and how like three-quarters of what we eat is actually corn. Kinda gross, there, Iowa. I mean I’m not saying it’s your fault…but it kind of is.

I hadn’t thought about you in a while and then the other day I passed a beat-all-to-hell K5 Blazer with Iowa tags. Brought a lot of memories back. I got to wondering about what you’ve been into lately so I tracked down your Facebook later that night. Saw the magic marker Batman and Robin guys.

But then I saw this. I expect that kind of behavior from Alabama or even Texas…but Iowa? I didn’t know you had it in you. Gotta say…I’m proud of you. Looks like you’re getting your stuff together over there.

Maybe give me a call next time you’re in town? For old times’s sake.

Check out our Proud To Be An American archive.

1251465204_aaron-b-murray.jpgAaron B. Murray has a wall-sized aquarium filled with Cristal and reef sharks. He feeds them daily and recycles the Cristal twice a month. Follow him on Twitter at murray_cod

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