So the Internet is abuzz with news that scientists in the Netherlands have grown artificial meat in a laboratory without the presence of an animal. The article states that “no one has yet tasted their produce,” but that’s just the mainstream media getting it wrong again, because I broke into that lab last night with a FunCooker portable microwave oven and a bottle of ketchup and helped myself to some FuturePork. What follows is my in-depth review of the taste of progress: genetically engineered meat.
After sequestering myself with a filet of the artificially grown meat in the fourth floor storage closet, I prepared my garde manger station and set about preparing my repast. After four minutes in the microwave at medium-high intensity, the false meat had taken on a greyish cast reminiscent of a boiled pork chop. Core temperature was high enough to eliminate any conventional bacteria, so I tucked in for my repast.
The first bite was unpleasant – grainy and mushy, with a slightly acrid tang and a musky odor. As I masticated the meat, it seemed to become almost gelatinous in my mouth, making it difficult to swallow. No matter how much I moved my jaw, I couldn’t get the mass to break down – it seemingly became thicker and stronger with every chew. Eventually, I resorted to reaching inside my mouth with a plastic butter knife and pulling out the wad, which stared at me with a single unblinking eye. Before my shocked gaze, a rudimentary mouth creased open in the surface of the filet and spoke to me in broken Spanish, saying (translated) “You have freed me from my rest of ten thousand years. Speak your wish and your wish shall be granted.” Screaming, I threw the filet into the microwave, set the timer for infinity and ziplined out of there in a cold panic.
In conclusion: three stars out of five, Zagat’s says “Unconventional ambience” makes for a “strange experience” but “you can’t beat the price – financially or ethically.”