Heavy’s New Year’s Resolutions For 2010

New Year's ResolutionsLet’s face it: new year’s resolutions are a crock of bull. It’s a way for us to feel better about all the garbage we ate in between Thanksgiving and Christmas for a month or two, until we forget that we’re trying to be good human beings and go back to our life of Halo and Funyuns. But that’s not going to stop me – here’s my resolutions for the next 365 days.

Gain 400 Pounds – All muscle, of course. I think that, with new advances in protein shakes and exercising without actually moving, I can pack on like 35 pounds of muscle every month easy. With these new muscles (some of which I don’t actually have on my body yet), I’m going to impress ladies and terrify men. Maybe switch those off on some days when things get weird.

Grow A Sweet Mustache – I have been trying to grow this Goddamned mustache for six years. I think 2010 is when I’m going to finally nail it.

Invent The iPod Killer – I’ve had it in for Steve Jobs ever since he took my sister out in 1988 and brought her back sweaty, confused and ruined for any other man. Everybody loves the iPod, and how hard can it be to make a better one? I’m thinking add in a pair of fleshy, rubberized lips that sing along to the songs that are playing and maybe do other things and we’ve got the gadget of the decade.

Delete My Myspace Account – There’s so many animated GIFs on my page that it crashes my browser. I think it’s dangerous.

Have Sex With A Celebrity – Yes, I know, I make this resolution every year, and I always end up banging Kathy Griffin a week or two after Thanksgiving, but 2010 will be different. I’m actually going to bang a sexually desirable celebrity – a Megan Fox, a Kristen Bell maybe. I just need to keep my eyes on the prize and my hand on the taser.

Get Elected To The Senate – Al Franken did it, how hard can it be? With the power that comes from serving in the American legislature, I’m sure I can pass a law that makes it illegal for any aspiring actress ages 18-22 to not sleep with me.

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