The Heavy Guide To Sexting

The Heavy Guide To SextingThroughout recorded history, human beings have sought to find ways to get their bone on without actually touching each other. From the pornographic jug art of the ancient Greeks to the 1-900 numbers of our 20th century ancestors, simulated sex has been an essential part of the human experience. But now, things have gone too far. The Tiger Woods scandal has shed the harsh media glare on the topic of “sexting” – using cellular phones to transmit messages, photos and videos of an arousing nature. And do you know who’s doing it? Children. Yes, children – those little creatures that grow up to be adults – are groin-deep in the sexting craze, and some scientists have speculated that if all the underage sexts in America were printed out and glued together, they would reach 3/4 of the way to the Moon and give astronauts boners for days. But what is sexting? How can we recognize it? And how can it be destroyed? Read on, my friends

What Is Sexting? Quite simply, sexting is the process of using a phone or other mobile device to get smutty with another person, whether it be through SMS message, photograph, or video clip. This enables individuals to arouse each other without any physical contact. Sexting, unlike phone sex, is asynchronous, so it can be returned to later if something interrupts the session, like having sex with your gorgeous Nordic wife. While older people may not understand the erotic charge in a string of characters like “I cnt wt to gt ur lgs ovr ur hed,” for the digital generation that is nearly sufficient to bring them to a bone-shattering orgasm. And blurry, low-resolution iPhone video of a sideboob? Don’t even think about it.

How Can We Recognize Sexting? Good question! If your sex glands are dried-up parodies of their former selves, you may not be able to! The lingo of text messages is so garbled, and the words these sexters are using are so filthy, that to present a glossary would be a lesson in futility. So instead, let’s just skip forward to the quiz.

Question 1: Which of the following is a sext?

a) “I wnt 2 pt my fngr up yr btt”

b) “spred yr legs m cummin in”

c) “yr 2 tight i cnt go no frthr”

d) “y dnt u giv me a h&job?”

Answer: Only D is a sext, the others are instructions given by a handicapped proctologist.

Question 2: Which of the following is a cell-phone picture of a vagina?

Vagina Armpits

Answer: None of them. They are all armpits. Trust me, I tried to have sex with all of them.

How many correct answers did you get? If it’s more than any, you’ve earned your G.E.D. – your Genital Electronic Degree! Now you can sext with the best of them – until the practice is destroyed.

How Can Sexting Be Destroyed? The cure for sexting is simple – teenagers need to be having more actual sex. Let’s face it, sexting is just an outrageous response to the abstinence-only education practices that gave us Trig Palin and Tripp Palin and Haley Joel Osment. If kids bump uglies more, they’ll dirty text less. And, let’s be frank: a quick BJ behind the Plaid Pantry isn’t going to show up on your Facebook page six years in the future. So, teenagers: you heard it here first. Go out there and bone like our caveman ancestors did, and leave the phones behind. For Tiger Woods, and for all of us.

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