Comedy

The Toilet Bowls: The Worst Bowl Games Of 2009

Toilet BowlsThe college football season is over, and there’s nothing left but the bowls. Some games are going to be great (Florida/Cincinnati, Penn State/LSU), some are going to be boring (Alabama/Texas), and some are going to be absolutely horrible (Troy/Central Michigan). Here are some of the worst bowl games of 2009. Whether they’re lopsided, full of losers, or just insulting to our intelligence, these are truly Toilet Bowls.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: This actually has some potential, pitting a very respectable Oregon State against a strong BYU. It’s more the fact that, of all the teams and all the fans to bring to Las Vegas over the holidays, you pick the school that is literally full of Mormons. The milk and honey will flow like… milk and honey as thousands of die-hard BYU fans (and their dozens of thousands of wives) descend on Sin City, two by two, on bicycles. Oregon State is going to have to play well to get by BYU, and their fans are going to have to party twice as hard to make up for the LDS crowd.

Little Caesar’s Pizza Bowl: In addition to sounding like the most disgusting foodstuff imaginable, this particular crapfest is played in downtown Detroit, and pits the Mid-American Conference champ against whoever’s available from the Big Ten or Big East. This year, that means Marshall versus Ohio University. The most exciting thing the Marshall football team has ever done involved dying horribly in a plane crash, and Ohio University only exists so that Ohio State players have to overemphasize “THE Ohio State University,” as if someone would confuse them for this bunch of aborted fetuses. The only way this game could be more terrible is if Detroit’s own Insane Clown Posse were the half-time act.

Emerald Bowl: Boston College versus USC? This game is going to be rated NC-17 for being one of the most brutal rapes ever committed to film. This is “I Spit on Your Grave” levels of brutality. This is “Irreversible” levels of harsh. Both teams are 8-4, but seriously? USC beat Cal, Notre Dame and Ohio State. BC beat… Wake Forest. In overtime. And North Carolina State. And a Florida State so pathetic that they wouldn’t even honor Bobby Bowden’s dying wish for one more year. USC is going to beat Boston like they stole something from a third world marketplace.

Texas Bowl: A bowl that was created entirely because the people of Houston couldn’t live with themselves without a bowl game, despite the fact that the thing doesn’t even have a sponsor. Everything that sucks about Texas is brought to the forefront here – big loudmouthed idiots who jes gotsta have themselves a doggone bowl game or else, pardner! The logo is a big old belt buckle. It’s like they know how retarded the entire enterprise is. The fact that we’re looking at Navy, who are at least consistently mediocre, versus Missouri, who are so inept that they never even learned to spell their state correctly, even on their jerseys. The only reason to care about this game is because if you don’t, the terrorists win.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: You can call this one the Woulda Coulda Shouda Bowl. Nebraska nearly beat out Texas in an embarrassing Big 12 title bout. If the last two minutes of play had gone slightly different, Ndamukong Suh would have a Heisman and TCU would be getting ready to face Alabama. But no. Nebraska’s going to lose no matter what, but it could’ve/should’ve been something that exposed some of the ridiculous flaws in the BCS rulebook. Nebraska is going to look like idiots against a middling Arizona, and Suh is going to run screaming towards the NFL and never look back. At least San Diego is nice this time of year.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Boise, Idaho. The day before New Year’s Eve. Weather projections for the area call for Freezing Your Goddamned Testicles Off. Their primary sponsor is Roady’s, a chain of truck stops. This bowl sucks so hard, the ACC did not renew its contract. When you can’t even get Wake Forest, that says something. The real “humanitarian” act here is getting people to come and spend money in a shithole like Boise. This year, the fine folks at the Humanitarian Bowl couldn’t even be assed to get two out-of-state teams, pitting local boys Idaho against Bowling Green. Everything about this bowl sucks, but it isn’t the worst bowl this year…

The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Wait, really? This game is going to suck? No, in fact it will probably kick ass, but the fact that the BCS obviously ghettoed the two undefeated non-automatic bid teams into a game against each other is an obvious protectionist move, and bullshit of the highest degree. The BCS is afraid (rightly so) that Boise State would kick the living piss out of Georgia Tech or Penn State and that TCU could hand Ohio State or Oregon their balls on a platter. Making the two of them fight it out in a big-ticket bowl is like a hand job from your twin sister – it’s a nice gesture and it means a lot, but it’s also completely fucked up and wrong.

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