Comedy

10 Things The Health Care Bill Will Do To America

10 Things The Health Care Bill Will Do To AmericaWith different health care reform bills having passed both the House and the Senate, it is only a matter of time before one final bill is passed and America changes forever. And what will those changes look like? Well, let’s see, shall we?

Fourth of July

1. 4th of July Canceled

I know it’s horrible, but what do you expect? I mean, after all, you honestly can’t expect us to still celebrate our Independence Day now that our streets will be crawling with Russian tanks. Instead, thanks to Congress’ callous passing of the health care bill, it is my understanding that we will be ruled by a Tsar. Never mind that the Tsars of Russia had nothing to do with socialism, it still doesn’t change the fact that President Obama will be forced by law – yes, by law – to change his name to Tsar Lenin II.

2. Harrison Ford Will Be Put To Sleep

With the passage of health care reform, our glorious nation will be filled with dreaded death panels, and sure, while this increases the likelihood that Lindsay Lohan will be mercifully put down, it also means that Harrison Ford will be dragged out of his home by communists and liberal scientists and thrown naked into a Sarlacc Pit commissioned by the Tsar. I mean, Indiana Jones is a senior citizen after all, and in the new America, there is no room for their kind. Terrifying but true.

3. Terrible New Reality Shows

With the federal government getting their immoral paws on the healthcare industry, it is only a matter of time before we start seeing televised abortions on the all new Abortion Island, a horrible and tasteless reality show in which a group of pregnant junkies are dumped on a deserted island and forced to compete in a series of grueling challenges in order to secure federal funding for their abortions. In this show, there are no winners, especially not America. I mean, the last thing we need is another lame reality show. Offended? Don’t blame me, blame those who want to reform the best health care system in the free world. Well, at least better than, uh, let’s see here . . . Ethiopia? Maybe?

Bionic Homeless

4. Bionic Poor People

You think that bum hassling you on the street for money for a sandwich is bad, just wait until he gets fitted with robot arms and legs thanks to the generosity of the government and your tax dollars. Just try to outrun that shambling old fool once he activates those Terminator legs, runs you down and then holds you upside down with his Robocop arms and shakes all the spare change out of your pockets. This is how Skynet starts. Really. And all because the government won’t just let poor people die in the street like God intended.

5. Your Doctor Will Disappear

Thanks to the passage of the healthcare bill, all doctors will be thrown out of the country and replaced with Communist Robots who only speak German for some reason and who won’t even give you candy after your appointment. Instead, they will take your DNA and use it to grow Communist Super Soldiers in secret labs. Shocking, but these are the things that happen when you insist that people receive basic medical attention.

6. All TV Doctors Will Disappear

Thanks to the real life loss of doctors as detailed above, TV shows with doctors will no longer make any sense. This means that shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Scrubs will be canceled, and . . . wait, you know what? That actually doesn’t sound so bad.

7. Sandra Oh Will Rob Your Home

Of course, the downside to those shows being off the air is that there will be no need to employ their actors, and that will lead to you waking up one morning only to find Sandra Oh and Ellen Pompeo boosting your entertainment system and rifling through your wife’s jewelry in order to come up with enough money to lunch at The Ivy. Sure, it’s great that little Johnny down the block can afford to see the doctor for his leukemia, but that doesn’t help you when Zach Braff is hotwiring your car.

8. King George III Will Steal Your Underwear and Drink All Your Tea

Our forefathers didn’t dress up like Indians and throw a party in the Boston Harbor just so old King George could come back to life and rifle through your underwear drawer and levy unfair taxes on you, but because we have lost the American Way and given into the temptations of that witchcraft known as available medicine, this is sadly what will come to pass. You may think I am exaggerating, but there is a clause in the Treaty of Paris, which ended the Revolutionary War, that states that if the American government at any time offers their citizens healthcare, that the treaty will be ruled null and void and then we’ll all be drowning in redcoats and rotten teeth. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Yakov Smirnoff

9. Yakov Smirnoff Will Become Famous Again

Sure, it will be nice to see that old dude get work again, but it will only be because he will have an arsenal of new material to work with once the Iron Curtain descends around America. You may think this is the lone bright side to this disastrous legislation, but you won’t think so after hearing “In America, cold catches you!” for the thousandth time. But, this is what happens when you embrace the principles of Richard Marx and John Lennon, or the Fathers of Communism, as they are commonly known.

10. We Will Be Ruined By A Massive Cardboard Deficit

And finally, even though all of the above horrors will no doubt leave us battered and bruised, we are a tough nation, and justice and freedom could still prevail. But we would have a hard time surviving the onslaught of signs and placards being made by rednecks and true believers condemning the socialist evils of healthcare reform. Indeed, it would be only a matter of time before we ran out of cardboard and then we’d end up invading whatever third world country is sitting on vast cardboard reserves, which in turn would spark World War III, and a nuclear holocaust that would only be survived by the poor people with their robot limbs and the Communist Robot Doctors. And all because the poor dude who serves you your fries wants to be able to go to the doctor every once in a while. Sad, yet entirely true. I don’t like it either, friends, but these are strange and terrible times, and these things happen.

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