Barack Obama gave the annual State of the Union speech to Congress on Wednesday, but a secret that only Washington insiders know is that, before the cameras go on, there is actually a “shadow speech” that is only given to the assembled Congressmen and women in attendance. This speech is where the actual moving and grooving happens, and Heavy.com, after an epic night of White House dumpster diving, has notes and papers that give an inside peek into what President Obama really said.
- Health care was expected to be a major issue in the speech, and the materials we gathered reveal President Obama took an unusual approach to the subject. Bringing on a special guest speaker, evangelist Benny Hinn, Obama cured a case of breast cancer, made a blind man see, and made a crippled man walk in the space of 15 minutes, accompanied by joyous synthesized gospel music. The three cured individuals were then bumped up to a newly-created 80% tax bracket.
- President Obama pulled out his new iPad and created a video uplink to Will.I.Am, who performed a short song about modifications in energy tariff agreements designed to reduce our dependence on foreign oil by 11% by 2017. Obama then passed the new Apple tablet computer around the House floor to give our elected officials a chance to remix the policy announcement to their liking. Analysts predicted that Joe Wilson will hogged the tablet because he can’t figure out GarageBand.
- The speech had a fifteen-minute routine dedicated to making newly-elected Massachusetts senator Scott Brown feel uncomfortable, in which President Obama donned a floppy hat and spangled vest and began walking the floor with a wireless microphone. An excerpt: “Ladies. Ladies! Have you heard about this mutha Scott Brown? Oh, I’ve heard about Scott Brown! I’ve heard Scott Brown’s so bad in bed that he gets off before he’s even asked you out. Oh, yeah. I’ve heard Scott Brown’s equipment is so tiny that he has magnifying underpants.” At the climax of the bit, President Obama unzipped his pants (to the shock of the quorum) and pulls out a huge Genoa salami, which he slapped down on Brown’s desk. Attached to the salami is a card reading “Welcome to the Senate. I am looking forward to engaging in productive, non-partisan governance with you. My door is always open – Barack Obama.”
- Osama Bin Laden was brought to the podium, a Kroger plastic bag over his head. He muttered muffled curses in Arabic before President Obama unsheathed a masterfully crafted samurai katana, its cutting blade barely a molecule thick. Bin Laden kneeled on an American flag and President Obama severed his head in one precise blow, sending it rolling into Nancy Pelosi’s lap. From Bin Laden’s neck stump came a fountain of Fun Size Butterfinger bars and cubic zirconia earrings. Note: this may actually have been on the live TV broadcast, the notes are unclear.