Comedy

Getting A Job In The Psychic Economy

Getting A Job In The Psychic EconomyManual labor is for chumps. Sure, making a living through physical work might be fine for lumberjacks and stevedores, but you want something that involves less sweating. The problem is that so many other people think the same way that you need something extra to get yourself a decent job. That’s why you should consider developing psychic abilities. These days, they’re more than just cheap props and funny clothes. People have written about mental powers for thousands of years, so why not adapt them for your job search in the present day? Try learning one of the following:


Energy healing is an excellent way to practice medicine without a license. It uses your mind, and sometimes a few props, to redirect and balance the flow of energy throughout someone’s body to make them feel better. As an alternative to being a full-time energy healer, you have the option of using it as a “value added” service in combination with other body-focused occupations like masseuse, physical therapist, or Mexican wrestler. If you can’t get the knack of actually healing people, just count on the placebo effect. A healing is considered a success as long as the patient feels better, whether or not you did anything tangible. Even with terminal cases you can claim to have eased the patient’s “transition.” It’s still best to see a doctor to have that lump checked out, though.

Psychometry is a good field to get into if you enjoy touching things and always saw The Dead Zone‘s Johnny Smith as a role model. It’s the ability to gain information about people and places by coming into contact with objects associated with them. While law enforcement professionals are still “officially” reluctant to use psychometry in their crime scene analysis, there’s still money to be made from exploiting keen market insights like knowledge of which used cars have had their odometers rolled back, not to mention the personal advantages you can gain from knowing things like which girl at the bar used to pee standing up. The downside is that practitioners of psychometry will need to steer clear of motel rooms, as well as sheets, socks, and bathroom fixtures that regularly come into contact with teenage males. If you have been asked to read an object and it’s not working for you, try swooning. Pretend that the images you’re “seeing” are so incredibly strong that they have left you speechless, and then keep glancing suspiciously at whoever hired you. Hint that you’ve witnessed acts of unspeakable depravity, but refuse to discuss it further. Their imagination will do the rest.


Dowsing is great for people who want to wave a stick around and think that they can find oil in their backyard. Dowsers use props like rods or maps and pendulums to read the subtle variations in energy patterns that indicate minerals, water sources, or Thai restaurants in the surrounding area. Dowsing opportunities are still available in today’s world; besides the obvious applications it can also be used to find missing car keys, change in the couch cushions, and the one restaurant in the food court where the employees actually wash their hands after using the bathroom. Unfortunately, it’s tougher to fake dowsing than some of the other psychic skills. You either have to plant what you’re looking for ahead of time, or rehearse your excuses as to why it isn’t working (“there isn’t enough of the target material concentrated in one spot for me to focus on,” “the background energy signals manifesting in this area are too complex to provide for an accurate reading,” or “the synthetic materials in your polyester shirt are disrupting my concentration”).


Remote viewing is a fine way to relive the Cold War paranoia that led the U.S. military to spend $20 million on people making doodles in underground bunkers. Remote viewing uses your mind’s eye to visualize a person, place, or thing and then describe it for an audience. Originally hoped to track Soviets and locate their nuclear missile silos, modern remote viewers can be hired as consultants to locate kidnap victims, describe competitors’ patented equipment, or tell people what it’s really like inside the girls’ locker room. If you can’t actually visualize anything, just make some vague scribbles that can stand in for anything after the fact. For example, white triangles on a blue background could point to a fugitive from justice who is in the mountains, on a yacht, at a Klan rally, or petting a dog that just ate a lot of blue raspberry candy.


Mediumship/Channeling is about getting paid to talk with people who aren’t there. Yes, you can specialize in helping people contact their dead relatives, but like other careers both psychic and otherwise, there’s plenty of cash to be made by acting on insights that aren’t available to the public at large. Remember that it’s not insider trading if you get your stock tips from a corpse, just be careful not to have all your time wasted by someone’s lonely grandmother when there are impatient bank robbers trying to pass on where they hid the loot. As with remote viewing, you’re best off faking it by keeping things vague enough to be applicable to any circumstance. Try uttering random words or sentence fragments and see which ones resonate with your audience (“Carport! Vodka! Leash! Bank! Did your uncle work in a bank? Did he ever visit a bank? Did he ever use the word ‘bank’ in a conversation?”).

There are plenty of books out there ready to help you develop one of these new and exciting abilities, but you can also just jump in and start doing it by yourself. After all, there are no regulatory agencies dictating the “correct” way to perform these mental miracles, and since it’s all done inside your head, no one can see if you’re doing it wrong!

You might want to familiarize yourself with local, state, and federal statutes concerning fraud, though.

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