Everybody is abuzz over the iSlate, the new tablet computer from Apple. But do we really know what it’s capable of? Here are three of the most interesting rumors we’ve heard about the device, set to be announced tomorrow by Apple.
1. IT IS POWERED BY CHILDREN
The techology hyper-blogosphere was set alight – literally – back in 2005 when Steve Wozniak skipped his meds and took to drive-by rampages with a homemade flamethrower. Once successfully rehabilitated and with new, unconvincing skin, the blogosphere found out that the Cupertino giant had been covertly acquiring Chinese orphanages. While any reporter bringing the matter up at the Let’s Rock expo was quietly and efficiently “disappeared”, the internet continued to buzz with speculation as to the sinister activities of a cabal of gaunt, hooded men headed up by Bertrand Serlet. Well, Heavy.com has a bombshell for you – Apple have been harvesting the immortal souls of orphans for use as the iSlate’s embedded processor. A prototype unit identifying itself as Mei-Zhen Fong claimed to be “very scared, in the dark alone place” before requesting connection to iTunes. iSlate users can expect to experience stunning hi-def media, gaming and next-gen connectivity accompanied always by the chilling howls of the forever dammed.
2. IT’S JUST APPLE NEWTON WITH SOME SHINY CRAP GLUED ON
Suicidal workers in Hong Kong have been working 60 hour shifts in preparation for the iSlate, taking the company’s unsold stock and glueing whatever kind of junk it is the kids like over the top of it. The “iSlates” are then shipped out of the godless commie-state via an intricate web of secret tunnels, funnelling the rebadged Newtons to the chubby digits of painfully-posed American fanboys and Vice magazine readers. “I’m pretty sure we can get away with it” whispered Apple’s marketing czar Phil Schiller, after he slipped us some benzos and began spinning a shiny coin in front of our eyes “we’re basically God now”. Shiny, shiny, shiny. “If anyone notices, we’re just going to distract them by talking about Avatar“. James Cameron’s 3D masterpiece has wowed cinema-goers the world over, smashing box office records like eggs and introducing viewers to the fragile beauty of Pandora, a haunting jungle moon inhabited by the nature-loving Nav’vi. “Whatever way you choose to look at it, Avatar’s shock and awe demand to be seen. You’ve never experienced anything like it, and neither has anyone else” gushed Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times.
3. iSLATE IS THE FINAL STAGE OF MKULTRA
Tech blog Repulsive Bluetooth Whee! broke big ground last year when they revealed suppliers of lysergic acid diethylamide were being strong-armed en masse by some goons into stockpiling their trip-making wares in an undisclosed location. Following months of careful investigation and a chilling life-or-death foot chase, we can now reveal that Apple has been putting extensive work into making the iSlate the perfect and utterly deniable psychological weapon. “It’s going to be great,” boasted Phil Schiller quite openly, “we see a genuine gap in the 20something market for unwitting sleeper assasins, and iSlate’s devious use of flashing images, sub-sonic auto suggestions and acid-impregnated touchscreen is really going to help us rip those Google asshats a new one”. Tests said to have been carried out in a San Fransico branch of Starbucks are said to have resembed a “latter day Gommorah, something that would have really scared the crap out of Bosch” as a giddy mob of hipsters rampaged through the streets, ripping and tearing and dancing among the offal like mad things possessed. “NO COMMENT!” screamed vegetarian sexpot Steve Jobs, as he opened fire on our reporter with a Russian machine pistol.