Comedy

Five Ways To Tell You’re One Of Jesse James’ Mistresses

Jesse James' Mistress

So the world is afire with the news that Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James is – gasp – a dude who sleeps with other ladies. Yes, America, for some reason it’s shocking that a reality TV star who also builds motorcycles might sleep around. Mistress #1, the creatively named Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, has already been identified, but are you concerned that you might have had an extramarital affair with Jesse James and not even known about it? Here’s our five ways to tell you’re one of Jesse James’ mistresses.

You’re covered in tattoos. Seriously, if you have ink on your upper lip, your left armpit, and your colon, you may well have already slept with Jesse James. He likes ‘em looking like a breast implant show at a sailor’s convention.

You once did a Nazi photo shoot. Quick, check your Facebook albums. Got any pics of you in a SS uniform, flashing the ol’ one-palm salute? Did you accept that friend request from Joseph Goebbels? If you did, you might be Jesse James’ new mistress.

InTouch is offering you a bunch of money. And I’m not talking “save $22 if you subscribe for a full year” money. No, if they’ve got $30,000 for you, it’s a pretty safe bet that you slept with Jesse James. Or they want you to subscribe for the next 820 years at the same low rate.

You can’t figure out where that Oscar statue came from. No, you didn’t win it for Best Sound Design. Quit trying to BS me. It just showed up one night and you’ve been using it as a paper towel holder. That’s for The Blind Side and Sandra Bullock’s going to kick your ass.

You have chlamydia. ‘Nuff said.

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