Comedy

If Today’s Media Covered The Crucifixion

If Today's Media Covered The Crucifixion[LARRY KING sits across from a hastily convened panel, including PAT ROBERTSON, NANCY GRACE and oddly enough, VINCE MCMAHON. They appear to be engaged in lively discussion before all falling silent as the camera focuses on LARRY]

Larry King Crucifixion

LARRY KING

Thank you for joining us for a special edition of Larry King Live. We have a lot to talk about on such a strange and momentous day, and so I won’t waste your time introducing our panelists. So, let’s just get to it, shall we? There is a man – well for now, let’s assume he’s a man – who was arrested in Jerusalem for claiming to be the son of God. Apparently there was some show trial and later today he is scheduled to be executed via crucifixion by local authorities. Your thoughts?

PAT ROBERTSON

Well, Larry, blasphemy is a sin, and I think it’s about time that we get back to, well, Biblical justice. It is the foundation of our society, and this Jesus fella, whoever he is, needs to be made an example of.

LARRY

But don’t you think the wheels of justice have turned a little quickly on this one, Pat?

NANCY GRACE

Larry, if you don’t mind me jumping in, I’d just like to remind people that there are innocent victims here. What about the children?

LARRY

[shuffling through his notes]

I don’t see anything about . . .

NANCY

The poor children, Larry. Who’s thinking of them? That’s what I want to know.

LARRY

I’m not sure if there are children involved, but . . .

NANCY

There are always children, Larry.

LARRY

Of course. An important issue to be sure, but right now the most pressing issue seems to be this young man, this Jesus, who calls himself the King of Kings . . .

VINCE MCMAHON

Wait just a minute there, Larry. That’s interesting, the King of Kings. Now, as everyone I’m sure knows, we have trademarked that phrase, King of Kings, for our worldwide famous superstar Triple H. I don’t know who this Jesus character is . . .

PAT

A blasphemer!

VINCE

Indeed. And by the way, Pat, I would really like to talk to you about leg presses. I understand that you can press 2,000 pounds all at once . . .

PAT

[grinning like a maniac]

That’s right, Vince.

VINCE

I’ll have my people call your people. Anyway, this Jesus character should feel lucky that the local authorities got to him before our attorneys.

LARRY

So, you were planning a lawsuit then?

VINCE

I’m not saying anything was imminent, but as the old saying goes, anything is possible in the WWE!

NANCY

Larry, I hear that a twelve year old boy named Josiah was found drinking wine when the police came to arrest this Jesus. Now, you tell me . . .

LARRY

We have no report of that having happened.

NANCY

Don’t interrupt me, Larry. Now you tell me, what’s a twelve year old boy doing drinking wine with this Jesus?

PAT

Apparently, his people told the authorities that it is a sacrament, that it had something to do with the body and blood of this Jesus fella.

NANCY

Oh, now that’s just terrible. Is there anyone out there now who doesn’t think that this degenerate deserves what’s coming to him?

LARRY

We have to take a break, and in the meantime, we’ll check on the accuracy of some of these frankly wild accusations by Pat and Nancy. We’ll be back, right after this.

Chris Matthews Crucifixion

[CHRIS MATTHEWS jokes around with KEITH OLBERMANN while PAT BUCHANAN sits off to the side, looking grim. MATTHEWS laughs and then composes himself as the camera locks in on him.]

CHRIS MATTHEWS

Welcome back to Hardball. The big news of the day is of course this bizarre situation going on in Jerusalem.

[Cut to footage of Jesus preaching to his disciples]

PAT BUCHANAN [Voice Over]

I don’t trust him, Chris. I mean, look at that hair and that beard. Looks like something you would have seen at Kent St.

KEITH OLBERMANN [V.O.]

Yeah, too bad your buddy Tricky Dick isn’t around to take care of this, eh Pat?

[Chuckles all around. Cut back to the studio.]

CHRIS

There has been talk that the United States should intervene, that this has become a human rights case, and . . .

PAT

Now wait just a minute, Chris. Since when did the world’s problems become ours? If the Jews want to slap some hippy to a cross, more power to ‘em, I say.

KEITH

You would. But don’t we have a responsibility to protect people like this. I mean . . .

PAT

Oh hogwash. The time has come for the rest of the world to look after themselves. We can’t always be swooping in there to save the day like we did with Tojo and the Krauts.

CHRIS

Easy there, Pat . . .

PAT

I won’t go easy, Chris. It’s that kind of permissiveness that leads to over 150 million Mexicans crossing the border illegally each year. And, Jesus? That’s the name of my Mexican gardener.

CHRIS

Those numbers aren’t correct . . .

KEITH

Forget it, he’s rolling.

PAT

And just because a bunch of lazy beatniks want to save another beatnik – seriously, is it so hard to get a decent haircut? – all of these tree huggers want to put our men and women at risk just so he can continue to spread some shangri-la message about peace and goodwill toward men. I mean, that would have worked out real well against the Nazis and Stalin.

CHRIS

Stalin was our ally during the war.

PAT

Never you mind that, Chris. What’s important here is that if we step in today to save some granola eating freak from the Jews, tomorrow the Iranians are bombing Tel-Aviv and my daughter is married to a Mexican.

CHRIS

I, uh, I’m not quite sure how that follows, but we can discuss that after the break. You’re watching Hardball.

Bill O'Reilly Crucifixion

[BILL O'REILLY sits alone in a studio scribbling some notes. He looks up, just as the studio lights come on.]

BILL O’REILLY

Welcome back to the O’Reilly Factor where we continue to discuss the continued chaos in the Middle East. Today, there are reports that the man known as Jesus is in the midst of being put to death via crucifixion. Now, I for one, think that the reasons for this terrible incident are obvious. For starters, the instability in the region provides a breeding ground for this kind of fanaticism. Without a strong, moral, Western style of government, every street corner is filled with these weirdos claiming to be God or the son of God or whatever the heck is going on. Second of all, this is what happens without strong family values. And with that in mind, I’d like to welcome to my show, via satellite, the father of this Jesus, Joseph . . . uh, well, apparently it’s just Joseph, with no last name. How pretentious.

[Cut to JOSEPH, looking confused and nervous on the TV monitor.]

JOSEPH

Thank you for having me, Bill. Let me just say, right away that . . .

BILL

No, no, we didn’t bring you on here to read off some radical manifesto. We want answers, Joseph. Tell me, how could you let your son do something like this?

JOSEPH

Well, uh, technically, Bill, he’s not my son, so . . .

BILL

My point exactly. So, who are you, his stepfather? This is what happens when the traditional bonds of marriage are broken and why we must not allow gay marriage.

JOSEPH

I, uh . . .

BILL

No, you listen here, pal. That may be how things work on your side of the world, but over here, in America, we believe in the family, and let me tell you something, if my boy was going around town, telling anyone who would listen that he was God, we would have ourselves a serious discussion and then he would meet the business end of a belt.

JOSEPH

Well, actually, Bill, he is the son of God and God at the same time.

BILL

What in the hell are you talking about, sir? Do you understand how ridiculous you sound? That’s it, I’ve had enough of this bozo. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

Glenn Beck Crucifixion

[GLENN BECK stands in front of a chalkboard, looking solemn and pained.]

GLENN BECK

Welcome back, friends, to FOX News’ continuing coverage of Desert Justice.

[Cut to a logo showing a crown of thorns, a crucifix and the words Desert Justice dripping in blood. The logo is accompanied by ghoulish, Halloween-like screams.]

GLENN

[mock shivering]

Wow. Truly powerful stuff. But it’s not all fun and games here. Oh, no. While the death of this weirdo may not effect you or me, what does trouble me is what no one seems to be talking about, which is that soldiers in the middle of the night ransacked this man’s home and took him to prison. That’s right! They just took him right off!

[Glenn points to the chalkboard, upon which is sketched a bunch of crude drawings showing what look like British redcoat soldiers dragging a stick figure out of his home.]

GLENN

My friends, that could easily be you or me. Now, I know what you’re saying – Glenn, that guy’s crazy! What does he have to do with me? Well, it’s quite simple, friends. You see, what’s to stop the government from slipping into your home in the middle of the night and rifling through your underwear drawer looking for back taxes? If we don’t speak out against this now, then nothing, that’s what!

[Glenn flips around the chalkboard, revealing on the other side what appears to be a crude rendering of the crucifixion of Jesus, complete with his harrowing journey to the site of the crucifixion and drawings of stick figures alongside the road throwing what appears to be garbage and bags of feces at him. We know it is feces because the bags have stink lines drawn above them.]

GLENN

If we’re not careful, one day you too could end up being driven through the streets by the government, people flinging bags of poop at your head. Excuse me . . .

[Glenn starts to cry. He composes himself enough to continue.]

GLENN

It’s awful, just awful But it’s nothing compared to what awaits you at the end of your horrible journey.

[Glenn picks up a photo from a stack of pictures and slaps it on the chalkboard and then tapes it there. It is a photo of a cross with a corpse hanging from it. Ghoulish, Halloween-like screams are played throughout the studio and Glen falls to his knees, sobbing.]

GLENN

My friends, I just can’t stand to think that this could happen to some of you, all because you have the decency to stand up and cry with the voice of that noble patriot, Patrick Henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH.

[Glenn sobs uncontrollably before composing himself enough to continue.]

GLENN

I’m calling on all of you to gather old tea-bags and take to the streets. March on the home of your Congressman, and shake those tea-bags in his face and cry: I WILL NOT BE CRUCIFIED SO THAT PORK BARREL SPENDING CAN CONTINUE. It is a tough fight to be sure, friends, a thankless fight, but remember, if they can drag a crazy man out of his home just for claiming to be the son of God, and I understand, for producing wine without a liquor license, then those heartless bureaucrats can come for you too.

[Glenn picks up a miniature American flag and puts on an Uncle Sam top-hat as the Star Spangled Banner plays. We cut to a still shot of Jesus on the cross, in agony, as the names of directors, key grips and best boys scroll quickly over top the image.]

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