As if we needed proof that sucking the liquified ghosts of dinosaurs from within the earth’s crust with giant Decepticons was an unsustainable method of making sure we could continue to drive around Arizona in air conditioned SUV’s while using binoculars to suspect Mexicans, an oil rig exploded in the Gulf of Mexico, sending some million gallons of oil into the water, and also killing a few dudes, but they knew what the dangers were when they signed up to be the guys from Armageddon.
Environmentalists, smelling money in the water, have quickly pounced upon the incident as an excuse to demand cash for new toothbrushes and dish soap, because they’re starting to be able to smell their own breath, and the dishes are really starting to back up. The Gulf of Mexico near the Mississippi river is usually a polluted wasteland of murky brown water that looks like someone left a poo in the toilet overnight; slathering it in a thick layer of crude will at least make it sparkle. The real question is what effect that the oil slick will have on the wildlife in the region. Or, more pointedly – how will the oil spill affect your ability to buy six pounds of boiled crawfish for under ten dollars?
If you are the kind of eater who objects to violently puking their innards raw after a meal, then kindly get the hell out of my sight. If, however, you are the enterprising sort of foodie who delights in straying from the beaten trail in search of exquisite cuisine, this incident presents a unique opportunity to sample that rarest of delicacies – disaster meat.
Plague ribs, famine soup, cholera queso… every disaster provides a chance to experience flavors you’ve never experienced before. Keep your eyes open, especially around Chinatown supermarkets, and you may find some great deals on food that most Americans, with their pitiful, weak palates, would find “revolting” or “reprehensible.” We’re talking Gulf of Mexico oil spill squab – just throw it on the grill and instant flambe. Eating it will make you stronger than them, and probably give you superpowers, like the ability to see the truth, or crap out your kidneys.