Comedy

Things The Powerball Winner Should Buy With $258 Million

Powerball Winner Chris Shaw

Chris Shaw is reported to be the winner of the Missouri Powerball lottery, taking home a gargantuan jackpot of $258,000,000. That’s a lot of money! And if there’s one thing we love, it’s spending other people’s money. So here’s our list of gentle suggestions for Chris on how he should spend some of that cash.

- Don’t pay taxes. Seriously, dude, it’s a sucker’s game. Obama is just going to spend it all on health care for illegal terrorist immigrants who hate freedom. You take that giant novelty check, you take it down to your local Money Tree or other payday loan establishment and you have them cash it. Sure, they’ll take a service charge, but it beats filling out the longest 1040EZ of all time. Once you get those greenbacks, bury them in jars in the back yard. Don’t you ever let any of that money touch a bank as long as it has your name on it. That’s how they get you.

- Social Causes. You know how Missouri is the “Show Me State?” Why not make that legally binding? With $258 million, you can sure as hell buy enough Senate votes to legally require any adult over the age of 18 to display their breasts or genitals upon request. Think of the cultural and societal benefits to living in the only state of the union to mandate public nudity on demand? You’d be the next Rutherford B. Hayes.

- A Movie. Hollywood needs your money. It costs so freaking much to make a movie nowadays that they’re barely getting them out the door anymore. With your lottery check, you could pay for more than half of Avatar! And that made back double what it cost! I’d go on Craigslist and say that you’re ready to finance some independent productions and then let the ideas beat a path to your door.

- A Robot. There’s lots of options for robots. Lifting robot, butler robot, sex robot (for having sex with) – dude, you’ve got the money to make just about any kind of robot you want. Screw getting a remote control for your new plasma screen TV – get some nerd to build you a robot to walk to the TV and change the channel.

- 258,000,000 Lottery Tickets. Dude, you’re basically guaranteed to win again.

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