Comedy

Your Guide To The New Texas Textbooks

Texas Textbook Revisions

There has been some furor in recent weeks over the Texas State Board of Education’s revisions to their textbooks. As a product of the Texas public educational system, I’ll use my unique insight to look at some of their proposed changes, and explain their significance.

Describe the founding of Texas as occurring when Jesus, riding in his Ford F-350 Super Duty, encountered the lawless deserts of Mexico, and cried tears which collected and formed the Rio Grande to protect us from drugs and Mexicans.

This modifies the previous story of the founding of Texas, which said that Jesus’ tears were the result of seeing Mexico’s political corruption, which modified a previous version that claimed they were tears of happiness upon seeing how cheap labor was in Mexico, which itself was a modification of an old Mexican folktale describing the Rio Grande as the epic piss-river left by Pancho Villa after a night of drinking stolen beer.

Explain how the genocide of Native Americans was mostly their fault, and the expected result of underfunding critical defense industries and allowing porous borders.

Previous versions described Native Americans as pets brought by Europeans from the Old World crossbred with plains buffalo, so this is a fairly dramatic step forward.

Describe how the only cultural contribution of black people, rap music, is just people talking over music, and how it sucks. Compare it to country, which rules, and classic rock, which can be pretty cool sometimes, especially Creedence.

Earlier textbooks described rap music as “uppity negroes jawing about rape,” so again, the curriculum is taking a huge leap forward here.

Describe the current political atmosphere in the terms of the Twilight movies, where Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann are those two hunky dudes, which team are you on? And then Nancy Pelosi is the evil vampire guy, and Obama is Satan. (Leave open for clarification when the 3rd movie comes out.)

Twilight hadn’t come out yet when the previous version of the textbooks was written. This passage updates a previous section describing the relationship between George Bush and George W. Bush as being similar to that between Dr. Evil and his son in Austin Powers 2, so long as you pretended that Dr. Evil was actually named Dr. Prudent.

All references to Islam must be followed by “The religion of peace” in sarcastic quotes.

Prior to 9/11, Islam would not have merited even being mentioned, so this is pretty much a win for everybody.

Explain how, had the founding fathers wished for all citizens to receive healthcare, they would have invented modern healthcare, instead of sticking themselves with leeches, which the powerful wisely hoarded for themselves.

This one really came out of nowhere.

Describe the role immigrants played in inspiring white lawmakers to pass laws prohibiting immigration. Focus on immigrants such as Cesar Chavez, the time traveling robot sent to the past to distract migrant farm workers from the real enemy, the secret robovirus “automatism” (later shortened to autism) which is distributed through so-called “vaccinations.” Also, point out that Ricky Martin is a homo.

This one goes on kind of a weird tangent, but at least the kids would know more than I did in high school.

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