Comedy

5 Things That Make Me Proud To Be An American This Week

Every week, I pick five things that make being an American own. This week: Heidi Montag, Lost, that chain-smoking toddler, Formula One in Texas and more.

Mexican Pirates

We’ve gone over this before, but just to get everyone up to speed: pirates are played-out.  They’re done, finished, and about as relevant as an episode of Diagnosis: Murder.

This isn’t news – it’s been this way for a while now.  The thing is, though, is that pirates were never really back.  Pirates were ironically celebrated for about a half a minute – they were funny and cool in the way that a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt is funny and cool.  Which is, to say, for the most part, not very funny.  And not very cool.

As with all things, Mexico is like seven years late to the party.  And they’ve completely missed the point.  As usual.

Mexican pirates have been spotted in Texas.  They’re harassing fishermen and taking their money and then getting back in their crappy Mexican boats and leaving, which is like a violation of every pirate code known to man.

This is Texas, so you know the fishermen are rolling in $80,000 bass fishing boats with GPS and huge motors and DVD players and XM radio and stripper poles and god-knows-what-else.  The pirates obviously see these boats and are most likely boarding these boats.

But they don’t keep them for themselves?  Not even one?  The entire point of being a pirate is that you board some other dude’s boat, make him walk the plank, and then take that boat as your own.

Jesus, Mexico…Somalia can figure this out.  Get with the program.

Lost

Lost ended this week.  Or is it LOST?

I’m going to be that guy and point out that I never once watched an episode of LOST.  I mean, I dig the idea of a post-modern time-warping Gilligan’s Island – that’s cool, I’m totally down with that.  I just never watched it.

The closest I got was borrowing the first season DVDs from one of my buddies.  Four years ago.  They’re still in a box over there buried under my wife’s Ally McBeal: The Complete Omnibus Unabridged Homonculus Edition.

Which, by the way, is the most ridiculous show in the history of television, starring a character most likely be the craziest chick you’ll ever see on your television this side of the Today Show.  Watch some Ally McBeal and wonder how she was ever allowed out of the house as a kid, much less into Harvard.

Watch three or four episodes of Ally and then go watch a few hours of plane crashes, islands, mystery hatches, smoke monsters, that dude from Party of Five, a hobbit, and time travel and then watch me not be surprised when you come back and say, “You know, of the two, LOST, I feel, paints a more compelling and believable portrait of modern man as he struggles, often in vain, not only with himself, but with the world around him.”

Well, duh.  Obviously.

Heidi Montag

I want to put Heidi Montag in a cage and let her live on my windowsill.  She’ll still get plenty of sun, I’ll put a little clubhouse in there for her, she’ll have plenty of treats, and the dog will never be able to reach here up there.  It’ll be great.

Honestly it wouldn’t be any worse than what she’s dealing with right now.  We all had a good laugh here when her crazy insane alien-faced post-op photos came out but Heidi and Spencer were all over The Hills this week with their Bible talk and their crystals and her new cat lady face and it just made me sad.

And then this happened:

And it made me even sadder.

Smoking Baby

We’re told, often, that ethnocentrism is a bad thing.  That looking down our noses at the rest of the world is something we shouldn’t do.  That, no, we’re not better than everyone else and we should pull ourselves out of our own asses and come to grips with the fact that everyone, everywhere is exactly the same and we all suck pretty much the same.

Then we see something like this:

That’s when we think, “No, not here.  Not in America.”

The sad thing is that poor kid is just getting set up for a long life of digging through piles of garbage or – if he’s lucky – digging through piles of “recycled” electronics.  Or maybe digging through piles of medical waste.  There’s an outside chance that he could spend the rest of his life digging through mud and, literally, crap and what ever else they squeeze out of human bodies in Sumatra.

So, looking at it like that, just let the kid smoke.  What, is it going to shorten his life expectancy?  He lives in Sumatra.  They age in dog years over there.  It’s insane.

F1 Racing In Texas

Formula 1 is the most glamorous thing in the world.  As a guy, there is no greater job on the Earth than being a Formula 1 driver.  Imagine being a male supermodel who flies a spaceship that runs on vaginas and champagne that only takes off from places like Monte Carlo and Dubai and you have a bad neck so you have to sleep on a mattress made of cash and even more vaginas and champagne.  Okay, that’s kind of what it’s like to be an F1 driver.  Kind of.

That glamour extends and envelops around everything else surrounding the drivers: the cars, the locales, the tracks, the half-naked women wearing huge sunglasses, everything.

I watch F1 because it concerns cars going really fast in a controlled environment and I am a big fan of cars going really fast in controlled environments.  One thing, though, is the fact that watching F1 at this point is a lot like watching Star Trek.  That, too, is totally fine because I am completely gay for Star Trek.  So really, in 2010, I can kill two birds with one stone before I have give up the TV for more Ally McBeal.

But F1?  In Texas?  This is going to be hilarious.  The first thing that comes to mind is when I went to an IndyCar race in Nashville a few years back and tons upon tons of people were wearing Ferrari gear.  To a race where every car was a either a Chevy or a Honda.

So yeah, F1 in Texas is totally going to work.  Don’t even worry about it.

Check out our Proud To Be An American archive.

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