Comedy

How NASA Should Spend $6 Billion

How NASA Should Spend $6 Billion

Last month, our president announced a plan to add $6 billion in funding to the space program, while scrapping the Bush administration’s plan to revisit the moon. This announcement, while effectively negating the chances that we’ll ever see a showdown between a black hawk helicopter and a Selenite mooncalf, is a step in the right direction. I just hope NASA puts the president’s money to good use – although like a lot of things involving the President and hope, I’m not holding my breath. Which is why I’ve written five stellar (get it, astrophysicists?) ideas to get the ball rolling.

Space Metaphors

Create A Space Metaphors Division

In the 90s, scientists began describing general relativity as a sheet with a bowling ball in the center. When they realized that image was too abstract, they changed it to a couch with a fat woman on it. When we still didn’t get it, they threw a hissy fit and said they were withholding time travel for a few more centuries. The lesson here is that it’s impossible to sell a scientific concept to the masses unless you come up with a really good metaphor for it. That’s why I propose that NASA opens a space metaphors division, a sort of spin doctor of the astrophysics world, dedicated to describing the space program in new and exciting ways. Then when a reporter asks why we need to colonize other galaxies, the NASA rep can reply that our sun is burning out like Lindsey Lohan on a coke bender. Then the press conference will inevitably switch to an open forum for Lindsey Lohan jokes, allaying everyone’s suspicions while the NASA rep dabs his brow with a napkin containing various jokes that scientists tell about us.

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