Comedy

How To Survive Memorial Day

Memorial Day 2010

Monday is Memorial Day, that time of year when we all take a break to celebrate the efforts of our brave fighting men and women(but let’s face it, mostly men), like John Rambo, Col. Kurtz and Lynndie England.  It is also a day to get drunk, maybe race a few power boats and generally carry on like a jackass.  So, with that in mind, Heavy has a few tips for you to live by so that when Memorial Day is over, you’ll still be here to give us pageviews . . . er, I mean, live your life.  Ahem.

1. PACE YOURSELF

You don’t wanna be the dude or lady dude who is found stumbling through the street at 11 AM, completely hammered, howling like some damn fool monkey, do you?  I mean, sure, it’s fun and all, but it’s not as fun when you are the only person who’s blitzed.  Everyone will just think you are an asshole.  So just get drunk at a nice, slow even pace and by the time you are stumbling around, hooting like a chimp, so will everyone else.

2. KNOW WHEN AND WHERE TO CELEBRATE

The last thing you want to do on Memorial Day is stumble drunkenly onto some ceremony for fallen soldiers.  That will just bring you right down, and man, you don’t want to be sad and drunk at the same time.  You’ll just end up bawling like a damn fool.  And worse, once you get enough beer in you, that stuff is going to want to come out.  The absolute last thing you want to do on Memorial Day is end up pissing on the grave of some fallen hero.  I mean, you’re a degenerate, but you’re a respectful degenerate, right?

3. REMEMBER TO EAT SOMETHING

Since you will no doubt be drinking, it’s important that you get some food in you to soak up some of the delicious booze.  Luckily for you, Memorial Day is also the day of one million cookouts, so at some point you’re bound to stumble onto a stray grill.  Try to make off with some meat before your neighbor realizes what is happening, much like you have no doubt done countless times with his lawnmower and power washer and anything else he hasn’t nailed down in his garage.

4. STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER

If you are by a lake or an ocean, sure, it’s probably warm out now and I know you want to go for a swim, but let me tell you something –  you do not want to be remembered as the dude who drowned in two feet of water because he was drunk.  You just don’t.  Okay?

5. TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT ON THE DAY ITSELF

Look, this is just a practical bit of advice here, okay?  I mean, come Tuesday morning you’ll have to get off and shuffle off to work just like every other day and you don’t want to do that looking like you just stumbled off the set of a zombie flick.  So, in order to sober up before going to sleep, I suggest watching a couple of war movies or maybe a few episodes of Band of Brothers. That way, not only can you spend the day getting sauced, but you can also wake up the next day feeling relatively fresh and proud that you took the time to remember war heroes like Forrest Gump and Lt. Dan.  And that’s what Memorial Day is all about.

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