So there’s this company. They’re called LifeLock and they say that for $10 a month they’ll keep you safe from identity theft, which is just about the worst kind of theft after organ theft. They’re so confident in their abilities that the company’s CEO, Todd Davis, posts his very own Social Security number on the site’s front page, claiming that with LifeLock he’s not worried about anybody using it to rack up debts in his name.
Sounds awesome, right? Unfortunately, LifeLock doesn’t seem to work out so well for Todd. Wired reports that he’s had his identity stolen at least thirteen times in the last few years, with people using his SSN to get loans from check-cashing companies, open cell phone accounts, and even order gift baskets! So, since Todd is seemingly totally fine with people using his Social Security number to do whatever they want, here’s some ideas that you should absolutely not follow for things to do as Todd Davis.
- Order nine pizzas, each bearing one of the digits in Todd Davis’s Social Security number, and have them delivered to a random address in Nigeria.
- File a name change order at your local courthouse changing Todd Davis’s name to “Poor Porky Pissypants.” Subscribe to hundreds of magazines using that name and have them delivered to Todd – I mean “Poor Porky”s house.
- Get hundreds of replacement Social Security cards printed. Go to the Mexico-Arizona border and hand them out to illegals crossing the border. Sorry to bother you, Senor Davis!
- Establish a compound in the California desert with a number of like-minded individuals. Equip each one with a set of Todd Davis identification and engage in group marriage. Name all resulting children Todd Davis. Tell them that the original Todd Davis is the Anti-Christ and must be killed. Make the daytime talk show circuit, profit.