Comedy

Your Guide To Arizona’s Loony Laws

Arizona Immigration Law

So everybody knows that Arizona recently passed a totally nutty anti-immigration law that allows for brown-seeming people to be stopped and asked for proof of citizenship by police officers under the slightest precedent, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg for the Copper State’s insane legislation in the 2K10. Like, say, barring people with accents from being teachers. Or barring the offering of “ethnic studies” courses. Hell, they also passed SB 1307, a law that prohibits the creation of human-animal hybrids, because apparently centaurs are taking jobs away from honest, hard-working Americans. So what’s next for Arizona? Here’s our guide to the next pile of laws they’ll pass.

SB 1406 is an amendment to SB 1070, the controversial immigration law, that earmarks $22,000 for local police departments to build enormous rolling catapults. These catapults will accompany officers on enforcement patrols and when individuals not carrying appropriate papers are identified, they will be loaded into the catapult and flung across the border immediately, saving money on incarceration and court costs.

Amendment 14A allows for previously incarcerated illegals who have not been returned to Mexico by catapult to be used for the creation of human-animal hybrids for a period of up to 14 days without punishment. The resulting hybrids are eligible for a Federal tax credit of up to $280 per hybrid if they walk on 2 legs, $320 per hybrid if they walk on 4 legs. For 6 legged ambulation or greater, refer to Schedule 14C.

SB 1480 levies a 45% sales tax on black beans, tortillas, Jalapeno peppers, and Catholic churches.

SB 1999 hereby decrees that Arizona is the best state of all the states, and any other state that disagrees publicly, whether in person or on the Internet, is officially declared an enemy of Arizona and may be freely bombarded by catapult or invaded by land using all-terrain vehicles, centaurs or a combination of the two.

Executive Order 7D, soon to be declared by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers), will mandate that any television network that airs telenovelas be forced to air a corresponding amount of programming geared towards American audiences, including bass fishing, Fox News and softcore pornography. Networks in violation of this order will be burned to the ground and urinated on (although bottled urine may be poured if no fresh urine is available).

Amendment 14C provides a “grandfather clause” for Arizona Senator John McCain, who receives daily injections of human-monkey pineal gland extract to keep his body from rejecting its cyborg components. This amendment was passed upon threat of death by Senator McCain, who raided the Statehouse and viciously bruised seventeen state reps with uncontrolled pinching before he was sedated.

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