Comedy

5 Things That Make Me Proud To Be An American This Week

Every week, I choose five things that make living in the United States such a thing. This week: Captain America, Danica Patrick, lizard people from the core of the Earth and more.

Lizard People

This has been the goofiest-ass year I can remember.  We’ve seen earthquakes, volcanoes, comets hitting Jupiter, oil spills, Miley Cyrus’s cameltoe, and now the goddamned Lizard People are coming to get us.

We’ve known for years that the Lizard People walk among us, and that they, in fact, are the ones in charge.  Anyone with access to Wikipedia knows this.  Every mysterious ruling body, cabal, or social club in the world is controlled by the Lizard People.  Skull and Bones?  Lizard People.  Freemasons?  Lizard People.  Trilateral Commission? Lizard People.  The Seven Old Jews who meet deep beneath Zurich to run the world’s banks?  Lizard People.

So, again, this isn’t news.  What is news, though, is the fact that the Lizard People have decided that it’s time to go.  For hundreds of years they’ve been content to lay low, blend in, and manipulate humanity from behind the scenes.  Something, obviously, has happened to force the Lizard People’s hand and reveal themselves to the public.

There is, as anyone familiar with the history of human/Lizard People relations will tell you, one very obvious reason for this happening now: the arranged marriage that had brought peace to the centuries-long struggle between the Lizard People and the Hobo Realm has fallen apart.

That’s right: Heidi and Spencer are getting a divorce.

Gator Wrestling

You are a sheriff’s deputy in Florida.  You get a call about an eight-foot-long alligator gallivanting along the sidewalk.  Do you

a)     Call Animal Control
b)    Shoot it with your 9mm
c)     Get the alligator wrangling tool that you made yourself out of the trunk of your police cruiser, subdue the alligator, and then handcuff him until backup arrives

Yes, obviously the answer is c, because this is a place where we talk about awesome things.  And a cop wrangling gators with homemade implements is pretty awesome.  That’s some Crocodile Hunter nonsense.

I mean yeah, what would Steve Irwin do, right?  That’s probably a good motto to live by.  Especially if you’re in Florida.  And especially if you see a gator.  Florida gators are not to be trusted.  But if you see one wearing a foolish sweater and a goony-ass ballcap, follow Steve’s lead here:

Just, you know, watch out for the stingrays.

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