Comedy

5 Things That Make Me Proud To Be An American This Week

Every week I pick five things that America did to me this week that I enjoyed. This week: Lara Croftdashian, a rocket car, and Sarah Palin‘s boobs.

Kim Kardashian Is Lara Croft

Was there ever anything more forced and borderline terrible than Tomb Raider?  Before you even got to the game itself, the very idea it was based on was banal and dumb: Indiana Jones with titsBig tits.  And an English accent.  God.

And then the game itself was bad.  And hard.  And not in the oh, well this is quite the sporting challenge kind of way, no it was hard in the oh, well I just smashed my controller into a million pieces kind of way.

If you were a dude in the late 90s who was into video games at all, there’s a good chance there’s still some Lara Croft left up your ass from where the publisher whored her to the point where Heidi Montag would have said, “Okay, we’re cool.  I think we’re good now.”

So if this retarded Kim Kardashian thing actually, somehow, happens you might see stories on places like TMZ where they talk about how Lara Croft is a valued character with years of equity in the marketplace and how she’s a symbol of women’s empowerment and how she’s making the movie to bring joy and happiness to all the fans across the world, and so on.

Don’t fall for it.

Lara Croft is, always was, and will always be a fake virtual mannequin with a big square ass, questionable fashion sense, a ridiculous voice, and who exists solely as an object of sexual desire and as an imaginary creation of the media, who sees her only as product to ram up everyone’s ass.

Well that does sound a lot like Kim Kardashian.  The only difference is if Lara Croft were Armenian and living in LA there would be a lot less saving the world and finding lost treasures and more driving a BMW she didn’t pay for and not having a job because she’s a princess.

Sarah Palin Breast Implants

Did Sarah Palin get breast implants?

I sure hope so.

Because if she did, then that’s the end of this.  Whatever this is.   An epoch?  An era?  Again, whatever this is and has been, it will be over.

She’ll go back to her wintry cave in Alaska, we’ll all get on with our lives, and twenty years from now some jerkoffs on OMG GUYS THE BEST WEEK EVER COUNTDOWN SHOW or whatever on VH1 will reminisce and laugh about Sarah Palin the way we reminisce and laugh about the “Where’s the beef?” lady.

The funny part is that one of these two women sort of played an active role in a Presidential campaign.  The other was governor of Alaska.

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