Comedy

How Should CEO’s Be Paid?

CEO Compensation

A report released this week determined that “the rate of growth in CEO compensation over the past several decades has far outstripped any meaningful benchmark.”  In fact, “CEO pay … had grown from a multiple of 24x [typical worker pay] in 1965 to 275x at the end of the bull market in 2007.”  At the root of this pay spiral is the absence of any meaningful framework for evaluating the value of a CEO, as no one knows what it is they actually do.  In order to address this lack of knowledge I have researched and created a list of criteria on which any senior executive can be graded, and their value objectively determined.  Here is that list:

  • General suitability (ability to wear a suit)
  • Capacity to “simplement”
  • Moving-Production-To-China-tude
  • Ability to insulate self from: family, friends, public opinion, underlings, moral/ethical standards, shareholders, kidnappers, Congress
  • Team-building Ability (as determined by Yahoo! Fantasy Sports Performance)
  • Hair (Hold, Sheen, Finger-run-throughability)
  • Net Cuckoldry (+/-)
  • Yachtfulness
  • Memoir Readability
  • Serial-killer-like Courtroom Confidence
  • Wealth-born-into/Comfort-with-privilege/Ability-to-get-out-of-DUI’s
  • Sinking-ship-ditchability
  • Ability to convince the board of the importance of paying the CEO above the median rate for industry peers

Disclaimer:  Heavy.com’s CEO is a is a hyper-efficient ad-real-estate-finding robot whose ability to survive on 275x my meager salary should be commended.

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