Apparently, we are crawling with Russian spies again, which of course means that Cold War II: Electric Boogaloo must be right around the corner. And just like the first time, the only way we will get through this is with vigilance and perhaps the ghost of crazy ol’ Joe McCarthy running buckwild. While we can’t control the actions of ultra-conservative ghosts, we can be vigilant. So, with eyes wide open, just how can you tell if your neighbor is indeed a Russian spy?
– CHECK HIS LIQUOR CABINET
The novice spy hunter will search for vodka, sure that this is a sign that they are dealing with a wily Russian, but this is a mistake. If there is vodka or any other liquor present, then what you have is just a garden variety asshole of a neighbor and not a Russian spy. The key is to look for empty bottles. According to the research of some of Heavy’s top scientists, the average Russian is so filled with self loathing that he must be constantly drunk. That may sound harsh, but we’re talking about national security hear, folks. This is no time to be oversensitive.
– FIND OUT HIS POLITICS
From carefully watching the news and from listening to such luminaries as Glenn Beck and that redneck named Skeeter who drunkenly drives his tractor through town every Sunday, I have learned that apparently if you favor allowing poor people to have access to medicine, it means that you are a communist and quite likely a Russian spy. Who knew? So if you see your neighbor going to the doctor’s office or, hell, even conversing with a poor person, report him as a despicable red.
– MONITOR HIS SPEECH PATTERNS
In these dark and terrible times, I’m afraid that we all have to be expert linguists. According to my hours and hours of intensive research, which mostly consisted of watching Yakov Smirnoff clips, I have learned that Russians often cleverly invert words and phrases to humorous effect. For example: In America, people watch TV. In Russia, TV watches you! If you catch your neighbor saying anything like this, it is advised that you beat him about the head, hogtie him and then contact the authorities so they can drag that filthy spy away.
– ASK TO SEE PICTURES OF HIS MOTHER
This may seem strange, but ask your neighbor to see a current picture of his mother as well as a picture from when she was young. It is a well known fact, supported by such visionary scientists as Stephen Hawking and Larry Flynt, that Russian women age horrendously. Therefore, if his mother as a young woman looked like a goddess but now resembles a catcher’s mitt with ears, you’ll know that you are dealing with a dreaded Russian spy.
– INVITE HIM OVER TO WATCH ROCKY IV AND RED DAWN
Finally, the ultimate test. Invite your neighbor over to watch a double feature of Rocky IV and Red Dawn. Watch him carefully to see how he reacts when the Russian brute brutally savages Apollo Creed. Check to see how he reacts during the climactic fight between the evil Drago and the noble Rocky. If he shows any sympathy for the Russian, start dialing the authorities. Then, while watching Red Dawn, randomly leap up and shout “Wolverines!” If he doesn’t join you, then you’ll know for sure that he is a Russian spy. Force him to watch the rest of Red Dawn, and slap him throughout. Cuss him out for what he did to those poor high school kids in Colorado. You will be hailed as a hero and as a patriot and might even get a plaque and a picture taken with Hollywood legend and star of Red Dawn, Mr. C. Thomas Howell. And all because you did the right thing and kept America safe from your neighbor, a terrible Russian spy.