Comedy

Jim Joyce: History’s Greatest Monster

Jim Joyce Referee

By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard that umpire Jim Joyce robbed Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga of a perfect game with a blown call at first base with two outs in the ninth inning.  It immediately became national news and now everyone from Matt Lauer to your grandmother is yammering on about it.

But what they don’t know is that this isn’t the first time that Jim Joyce has done something heinous.  I wish I didn’t know either, but Heavy has learned that Jim Joyce is actually an immortal.  Yes, that’s right, an immortal.  Due to a freak genetic condition, he cannot die, and unfortunately this seems to have driven him mad, as he has popped up more than once in the annals of history.  In some accounts, he’s named as “Reaper” Joyce.  In others, he’s simply named Death.

Now here, for the first time, we can reveal only a few of the reasons why Jim Joyce is indeed history’s greatest monster:

- On August 4, 1944, Joyce, while on vacation in Amsterdam, alerted authorities to the fact that a small Jewish family was living in an attic.  When he was asked how he knew they were there, he said “Well, to be Frank . . .” and then started laughing hysterically.  Even Hitler was reportedly offended.

- In August of 1921, Joyce was again on vacation, this time on Campobello Island in New Brunswick.  While there, he happened upon a strapping young man named Franklin Roosevelt.  The two apparently exchanged words and then Joyce pulled out a police baton and beat Roosevelt about the legs with it for over a half hour.  Roosevelt, embarrassed and shamed by his defeat, urged his family doctor to claim that he had polio.  Every few years, whenever it seemed that Roosevelt might recover, Joyce would show up again, baton in hand and whip up on Roosevelt.  No one knows why he did it.

- On April 14, 1864, while in Washington D.C. on business, Joyce decided to take in a play at Ford’s Theater.  Just before the show started, he ran into a despondent young man, later identified as John Wilkes Boothe.  Joyce was seen whispering something to Booth, whose spirit rose until he was in a fervor.  No one knows what Joyce said, but it must have been a hell of a speech.

- On January 28, 1986, Observers report seeing a man matching Joyce’s description hunched in a tree with a rocket launcher shortly before the shuttle Challenger exploded.  Investigators later found only a half eaten sandwich and a note saying that he was “in the mood for fireworks”.

- On April 3, 33AD, while on a trip to Jerusalem, Joyce attended a public crucifixion.  After several hours in the intense heat, most of the crowd had wandered away.  The soldiers, growing bored, felt that the prisoners had suffered enough and prepared to cut them down.  But Joyce raised a ruckus, claiming that he had paid good money for his seats and he wasn’t leaving until someone was properly crucified.  In fact, Joyce is described in early editions of the Bible as eating popcorn and heckling the crucified prisoners.  Three days later, when Jesus emerged from his tomb, his first words were reportedly “Is that asshole with the popcorn gone?”

No one knows why Jim Joyce has done these awful things throughout history.  Some say he is a devil wearing the flesh of a man.  Others say he is just an asshole.  What we do know is that poor Armando Galarraga is just the latest victim in Jim Joyce’s long, psychotic rampage through history.

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