It’s not unfair to say that Twilight represents a particular low point in the depiction of movie vampires – instead of sensuous, charismatic, deadly bloodsuckers, the Cullens are mopey virgins who sparkle like the front of a Lisa Frank trapper keeper. But, surprisingly, they’re not the worst monsters the silver screen has ever seen. In this feature, I’ll spotlight twenty of the lamest, corniest, and weirdest creatures of the night that ever tried to scare a body.
Ro-Man, the titular beast from Robot Monster, has become cinematic shorthand for “idiotic monster” – a lumpy dude in a gorilla suit with a diving helmet on his head, he hangs out in an abandoned cave after murdering everybody on Earth except for eight humans. Unfortunately, he gets a boner for one of the survivors and screws up his whole mission. Shot in glorious 3-D, the saga of poor Ro-Man ends when one of the survivors wakes up and it was revealed to all be a dream. Dude: you dream about alien gorilla robots getting boners. Seek help.
Check out this great fight scene from the film.
Jamaa Fanaka is one of the most demented exploitation directors ever made, so it’s no surprise that his 1975 Blaxploitation revenge movie Soul Vengeance is on this list. If you’re not familiar, it’s the tale of Charles, a Watts drug dealer who gets set up and sent to jail. When he’s released, he gets revenge with his extendable, prehensile penis. Yes, the monster is his dong all along – and the scenes of Charles’ 30 foot wanger choking cops, prosecutors and a judge are benchmarks in cinema weirdness.
Check out the movie trailer.
M. Night Shyalaman: what a garboon. After the promising success of The Sixth Sense, his movies got dumber and dumber. I think the nadir came with the alien invaders in Signs – these dummies invaded Earth despite having a crippling weakness to water. Yes, water. What the Earth is 2/3 composed of. Hell, what our bodies are 2/3 composed of. Seriously, any extraterrestrial that you can kill by spitting on is not particularly scary.
Check out this clip of the first sighting here.
I have to say, of all the things that scare me spitless in this world (Heidi Montag’s brain, water snakes, eating canned tuna), pastry is pretty low on the list. That’s why I can’t muster up too much fear for the Gingerdead Man. When bank robber Gary Busey is sent to the electric chair, cremated, and his ashes mixed into gingerbread dough that is then struck by lightning, it sets him on a chewy path of revenge that culminates – naturally – in him being eaten.
Watch the attack in this clip.
Mansquito – oh, Mansquito. Could you be the worst Sci Fi Channel original movie? All signs point to yes. When a convict agrees to take part in a radiation and mosquito experiment, things – well, things go wrong. One explosion later and he starts transforming into a bloodthirsty bugman who just wants to get his love groove on and let loose hundreds of thousands of mansquito larvae.
Check out the movie trailer.