So, it’s summertime. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, global warming has finally made you turn on your air conditioner, and it’s time for Hollywood to take a massive dump all over your local cineplex. In a normal year, it would’ve been bad enough to get just Sex and the City 2, a movie which my close personal friend Roger Ebert said was pretty much the worst thing since the atom bomb blew up Japan and turned them into a bunch of creeps that like looking at drawings of octopus tentacles sliding into little girls who seem to have been covered in vaseline. Maybe your girlfriend took you to see that abomination. If she did, I hope that you got so much action that you spontaneously combusted. But since you’re reading this, obviously you didn’t, so instead you can use the harrowing experience to barter your way out of seeing the movie of today’s discussion: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.
If you didn’t see Sex and the City 2, are chasing after some sweet sixteen faux-goth poon, or are dating a woman who wishes she was some sweet sixteen faux-goth poon, then this article might be for you! A quick read will save you the pain of having to actually pay attention while watching the movie, so that you can think about mixed martial arts or astronauts, and still be able to hold a “conversation” with your girlfriend when she wants to talk about how dreamy Team Jacob is. Actually, read it anyway so that my next paycheck will be bigger. So grab a Manwich, and get ready for the wild ride that is TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE!
First, you might need to play catch-up with our article about The Twilight Saga: New Moon so that you can be brought up to speed. If your time is precious or you don’t feel like punching a hole in the wall, here’s a brief summary of our story and its main players so far: Bella Swan is a teenage girl who is totally clumsy and homely except that every boy in the galaxy wants to bang her, and also she’s Kristen Stewart, who is kind of hot. She is in love with Team Edward, Teen Vampire who looks a lot like James Dean but with none of the acting chops or charisma. Teen Vampire loves her back, but is worried about wanting to kill her because he’s a vampire, even though he’s a total loser and only drinks animal blood. In our last wacky episode, Team Edward flipped out and ran away to Rome or something so he could sparkle in the sunlight and get killed by some Italian supervampires, but was stopped by Bella Swan, who in the meantime had cultivated a friendship with Team Jacob, Teen Werewolf and tried to kill herself like a billion times because she was SO LONELY. Team Jacob also loves Bella Swan, because that’s what characters in Twilight do. Bella Swan might love Team Jacob back, but isn’t very sure. There’s some other stuff but it honestly doesn’t matter.