Team USA beat Algeria 1-0 in the World Cup, which means that for the first time since the early 1400’s, the United States has finished first in its grouping. It also means that Team USA will be moving on to the second round of the World Cup. But, individual tournament success aside, what does Team USA’s most memorable soccer triumph really mean for the nation? Well, let’s find out.
- ALGERIA NOW AN AMERICAN TERRITORY
Hey, it’s the World Cup. That means something, you know? This is not just some silly game, some lame ass “Friendly” or whatever the hell it is soccer geeks call games that don’t mean anything. No. There are high stakes here. We won, Algeria lost, and as a result, they will be raising an American flag over Algiers while their Prime Minister or King or Warlord or whoever strips naked and prostrates himself before our Ambassador in a sign of respect and submission. Why is he naked? Hell if I know. That’s just the way the World Cup works.
- EVERYONE IN AMERICA GETS A FREE VUVUZELA
As a result of Team USA’s triumph, each citizen will be receiving a complementary vuvuzela in the mail in the coming weeks. Finally, we won’t have kids killing each other in the streets for their vuvuzelas. Everyone gets one. It has been asked, however, that you stop bringing your vuvuzelas to church. It’s just bad form.
- LANDON DONOVAN ALLOWED PRIMAE NOCTIS
Because of Landon Donovan’s game winning goal with only minutes to go, he will be granted Primae Noctis, Latin for Right of the First Night, when he returns to the States. As seen in the award winning film, Braveheart, Primae Noctis is an ancient custom which provides a lord or king or whoever with the right to bang the holy hell out of a bride on her wedding night while her new husband sits in a corner and weeps. So, congrats, Landon, you’ve got a hell of a job waiting for you when you get home.
- QUEEN ELIZABETH WILL APPEAR IN HUSTLER
Thanks to a little known bet between President Obama and new British Prime Minister David Cameron over whether the USA or England would finish first in their group, Queen Elizabeth will be appearing buck naked in Hustler. Obama had apparently offered up Barbara Bush to pose for one of the English “Lads’ Mags” if the English would have finished first. But they didn’t and now Larry Flynt is on a flight to London as we speak. The Queen, for her part, is said to be excited about this new and exciting opportunity.
- WE’LL BE SWIMMING IN OIL
And finally, because of Team USA’s win over Algeria in the World Cup, we not only gain Algeria as a territory but also everything that goes along with that. Which means one thing: oil. Oil is Algeria’s number one export, and now it’s ours, all ours. So go ahead, laugh at those suckers in the Gulf. We don’t need their stinkin’ oil. We got a whole desert’s worth from Algeria. There will be so much of that stuff we’ll be putting it in our kids’ Super Soakers in order to conserve water. Have fun, kids!