Like the victory over Algeria, the loss to Ghana in the 2010 World Cup has inevitable consequences for not only Team USA, which is now on a jet or a tramp steamer or a rowboat back home, but for America as a whole. Unfortunately, unlike the victory over Algeria, which saw us not only claim Algeria as a dependency but also resulted in Landon Donovan being granted Primae Noctis, the consequences of the loss to Ghana are both cruel and terrible. But we knew the stakes were high. After all, they don’t call it the World Cup for nothing, which means that we must accept the terrible consequences of Team USA’s tragic defeat. And now, here, for the first time, we can reveal just what Team USA’s loss to Ghana means for America.
- THE USA NOW A TERRITORY OF GHANA
It’s sad but true. Just like we gained lordship over Algeria thanks to beating them in soccer, we must surrender our freedom to our conquerors from Ghana. I know this sucks, and it’ll be tough getting used to eating monkey brains or whatever the hell it is they eat in Ghana, but it could be worse. I mean, we could have lost to Germany, which would have made that whole World War II thing kinda pointless.
- TEAM USA “DONATED” TO THE PRESIDENT OF GHANA
As part of a little known clause in the World Cup contract signed by each country before competing, the members of the losing team are forced to become household servants to the President or Prime Minister or King or Chieftain or whatever of the winning country. Yeah, it’s funny when it happens to other countries, but it’s not so funny to imagine Landon Donovan serving as the President of Ghana’s personal ball washer. And I’m not talking about golf.
- WE WILL NOW BE FORCED TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF GHANA
Yes, as the result of Team USA’s defeat at the hands of those bloodthirsty tyrants from Ghana, we will be forced to adopt their native tongue, the terrible and unspeakable language of… English? Huh. Well, no worries here, I guess.
- LANDON DONOVAN IS JUST SOME GUY AGAIN
From conquering hero to “Oh, you play soccer?” in just a matter of days, short-term celebrity Landon Donovan will be lucky to get local furniture business endorsements this year.
- WE WILL BE FORCED TO APOLOGIZE
Frankly, I’m not sure what we have to apologize for, but Heavy’s crack team of researchers and legal experts tell me that the United States apparently engaged in some, uh, illegal trading with certain African nations a couple hundred years ago. I have no idea what they mean by this, so we’ll just move on.
- WE’RE ALL BROKE
As an inevitable result of being declared a territory of Ghana, the United States will officially be recognized as a part of Africa. Because of this, I am told that all of our material possessions will vanish, and half our population will now be stricken with AIDS. I know this sounds harsh, but hell, at least we didn’t lose to Nigeria. They can literally make penises disappear. Still, this won’t be fun. So thanks a lot, Team USA.