According to a pie chart I’m holding, a lot of you are nerds. And if the word “pie” just sent a rumble through your bloated paunch clad in a Halo t-shirt you haven’t washed in three months, you’ve confirmed my theory. So here’s the deal: I know that a lot of you have trouble getting dates. You walk up to a girl at a party but she gives you a look like a TV tuned to a dead channel and you’d be needing some kuang grade mark eleven crap to hack through that ice so you run away. You probably don’t even think about dating much anymore. You probably just see it as a distant solar flare on a horizon of Twinkies and Mountain Dew bottles and fat.
Well fortunately I’m here to help. Because a website said they’d pay me to, I’ve agreed to offer my valuable dating advice. What are my qualifications? Well, unlike most of you I’ve have sex. Sort of. I once had a girlfriend who let me watch her use a vibrator she bought with the weekly stipend I paid her for going out with me, so depending on your definition of sex – if it’s a female orgasm caused by a penis-shaped object provided by a guy – then I’ve had sex.
Part 1: Making yourself dateable
Before you ask a girl out you first need to improve your hygiene and wardrobe and not fart so loudly in public. This sounds deceptively simple, which is probably why you’re afraid of it, because you think it might be a trap leading to a pit where nails shoot out of the walls and orcs throw flaming barrels at you. Well pretend for a moment it isn’t deceptively simple, just regular simple. Here’s how it’s done:
Use men’s conditioners that give your scalp the alluring masculine scent of crotch. The best is Blade, because it features pictures of bears and wolves on every bottle. Carry one of these bottles in your backpack and let it accidentally fall out at opportune times. When a girl asks you about it, tell her that like the bear on the bottle you’re literally a large heavy mammal of America and Eurasia with long shaggy hair, a rudimentary tail, and plantigrade feet that feeds largely on fruit, plants, and flesh. Unless, of course, the right girl came along. But even that girl shouldn’t make any attempts to tame you. You can put a bear in the circus, but you can’t make him wear stilts.
Throw out any shirt in your closet that has a video game, horror film, metal band, or slogan on it that makes you feel clever when you wear it. The acid test of “clever” is: if you were getting your picture taken in it, you’d get the sudden urge to give the camera a double thumbs up. Buy some normal clothes, clothes with sports teams or names of clothing manufacturers on them. Sure, your brain will tell you that you look like a douche in these clothes. Your brain is wrong, it has been wrong your whole life, and that’s why you’re here.
Part 2: Asking a girl out
There are various leagues of hotness. Think of them as the skill levels in an RPG. And now that you’re thinking about RPGs, picture a girl who looks like what you might find stuck to the bottom of your level 10 speed boots after you’ve raided a dungeon full of slime monsters. This is the first girl you should ask out. Here are a few viable pickup lines:
“Whatever plastic surgeon stitched your face back together after the accident did a good job. You look great.”
“I’ve always wanted to date a future librarian.”
“Wow, the drive-thru customers you posted about in your last livejournal sound like huge jerks.”
“Yeah, I knew that about you, but I’m a pretty effeminate guy, so …”