It should come as no surprise: we here at Heavy love the internet; we think it’s just grand. A lot of people, however, don’t share our affection. They look at the internet and see a festering pit of heathens looking at kittens and horse penises. But that’s only half of the internet. Ok, 75%. But today we want to highlight the other 25% and just how amazing it is, so we threw together a quick list of five things we love about the internet. Obviously, because the list is five things long and the internet is more complicated than Christina Aguilera’s plastic surgery bill, this isn’t an exhaustive list. We just think these things are pretty damn cool.
1. It’s a Truck You Can Just Dump Something On
With all due respect to the former senator from the great state of Alaska, the internet is exactly a truck you can just dump something on. It’s way more that than a series of tubes. It’s strange having to refudiate the claims of an Alaskan politician, because they’re usually so smart, but it’s true. The internet is basically a gigantic flea market where everyone takes all the strange, wacky crap cluttering up their minds and tries to convince unsuspecting passers-by that a picture of a turtle is actually worth something because it has a silly caption. But when it’s combined all that crap is actually worth something; it’s worth a lot of somethings. Since the early days of Geocities the internet has been an incredible outlet for truly bizarre people to show off all the ridiculous things they spend their time doing, which is great for several reasons. First of all, it makes those people less boring to talk to when they venture out of their caves and cross your path. Have you ever talked to someone who’s fascinated by insanely obscure continuity errors in the Star Trek franchise? 10 years ago he’d be dying to tell you about how Sulu is wearing the wrong color uniform for a helmsman in the new movie or how Worf actually bent over twice when he uncovered Soran in Generations and only a moron could miss that, but these days he’s already written and tweeted furiously about it, and let out all that pent up nerd-rage. The flipside is now he rambles about his blog, but that’s just because people want to talk about themselves. The only technology that could fix that is the remote from Click.
Secondly, and more importantly, we get to laugh at the bizarre people when things like this happen.
Thirdlyly, you can start your own blog and pretend people care about your bizarre passions too. You know that weird thing you’re way more interested in than you should be? Thanks to the internet all that time you spend reading about the mating habits of ants can turn into something constructive. If you make a website, you get to be an expert that other people interested in ant-sex will come talk to. You and your new friends can shoot the breeze about ant-penises and ant-ginas all the live long day and everyone will be genuinely interested so you can finally convince yourself you’re an interesting person who totally does matter. Even though you clearly don’t. Fatty.
This dumpable truck quality (Why the truck part, by the way? Do they store stuff on trucks in Alaska? Seems like one of the rare jobs that could be done better by ground. Isn’t there ground in Alaska?) has turned the internet into the most valuable collection of useless crap in history. Sure pictures of funny hamsters or hot girls or photobombs aren’t so great individually, but it’s amazing that I can spend an entire weekend alone and not weep even once because so many things on the internet can distract me from my crushing loneliness. The average person lives for about 700,000 hours, but the internet has easily 7 billion hours worth of things to see on it. How is that silly? Sure if you looked at all of it you’d emerge a shriveled husk of a person who speaks entirely in meme, but at least you’d have never been bored.