Comedy

Friends With Unemployment Benefits

Unemployment Benefits

Across the United States, millions of young, overeducated maladroits are anxiously dithering, one hand fiddling their XBox 360 controllers while the other aimlessly strokes their limp, barely-covered genitals, as they breathlessly await the fate of their beloved unemployment benefits, which Republican senators are witholding in order to teach this younger generation a valuable and necessary lesson about being born to a generation of selfish, short-sighted, incompetent pricks.  With the understanding that most Heavy readers are members of the underclass of moderately-skilled masturbators and over-medicated aimbotters, what follows is a list of tips and tricks for surviving the rapidly approaching double-dip depression/zombie revolution.

- Politicians may take away unemployment insurance, but no one is brave enough to touch social security.  Kill an old person and steal their social security checks!

- Did your videogames not desensitize you to violence sufficiently to kill an old person?  Quick, make a videogame that does a better job of actually desensitizing you to killing people, and then sell it to the military.

- Did you know that at least 27% of America’s wealth is in the hands of it’s wealthiest 1%?  Find one of those one percenters and shake them upside down, I bet you at least get some fancy antique coins or something.

-  Here’s a quick way to make some money – compare the imminent depression to the Great Depression of the 1930’s in a blog post, and then hope that someone pays you for thinking things like that, because no one will ever pay you for writing a blog.

-  Working as a clandestine agent for a foreign government seems to be the best way to secure a moderate middle-class existence for yourself and your family.  If you hear of any countries that are hiring, please let me know.

-  Have you tried maxing out your credit cards and then committing suicide?  If you’re nervous, try it with someone else’s cards first.

-  There’s no excuse for going hungry in a country where everyone is made of meat.

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