Across the United States, millions of young, overeducated maladroits are anxiously dithering, one hand fiddling their XBox 360 controllers while the other aimlessly strokes their limp, barely-covered genitals, as they breathlessly await the fate of their beloved unemployment benefits, which Republican senators are witholding in order to teach this younger generation a valuable and necessary lesson about being born to a generation of selfish, short-sighted, incompetent pricks. With the understanding that most Heavy readers are members of the underclass of moderately-skilled masturbators and over-medicated aimbotters, what follows is a list of tips and tricks for surviving the rapidly approaching double-dip depression/zombie revolution.
– Politicians may take away unemployment insurance, but no one is brave enough to touch social security. Kill an old person and steal their social security checks!
– Did your videogames not desensitize you to violence sufficiently to kill an old person? Quick, make a videogame that does a better job of actually desensitizing you to killing people, and then sell it to the military.
– Did you know that at least 27% of America’s wealth is in the hands of it’s wealthiest 1%? Find one of those one percenters and shake them upside down, I bet you at least get some fancy antique coins or something.
– Here’s a quick way to make some money – compare the imminent depression to the Great Depression of the 1930’s in a blog post, and then hope that someone pays you for thinking things like that, because no one will ever pay you for writing a blog.
– Working as a clandestine agent for a foreign government seems to be the best way to secure a moderate middle-class existence for yourself and your family. If you hear of any countries that are hiring, please let me know.
– Have you tried maxing out your credit cards and then committing suicide? If you’re nervous, try it with someone else’s cards first.
– There’s no excuse for going hungry in a country where everyone is made of meat.