Comedy

I Love Bears!

I Love Bears!

What’s your favorite animal?  Is your favorite animal the lion?  Is your favorite animal the tiger?  If it’s either of those, go to hell.  You can also go to hell if it’s any other animal aside from the one I’m about to report to you as being the best, because it is: Bears.  Bears is the best animal of all, and I don’t need science to prove it, because I have magic, but I also have science to prove it, the dopest science available, that comes straight from the honeycomb hideout.  Bears have created the best music, the best wrestling holds, the best whiz beer t-shirts(I’m not going to bring this up later in the article so I’ll tell you now I’m talking about Bear Whiz Beer T-Shirts), and the best sleeping that exists on the planet earth.  You might think it’s easy to go to sleep, but a bear can sleep your ass off.  You have no idea how hard a bear sleeps.  God, you just have no idea, just don’t even talk to me about it, God.

When bears were first created by God, even God wasn’t ready.  You’ve probably wondered if God could create a sandwich so big even he couldn’t eat it.  Well, that’s the kind of sandwich he was trying to make on the day he created bears, a bear sandwich, and it worked because the bear mauled him and God died and Nietzche wrote about it.  The bear escaped into the annals of history, also the forest, running at a speed of thirty miles per hour.  I already brought up how hard a bear sleeps and I got pretty broken up about it because I was jealous of them but I’ll relent here and describe it fully because bears sleep too amazingly hard for me to not extend them their full due.  You probably sleep about eight hours a night, because you want to wake up in the morning.  Guess what, bears sleep for two months, because bears never want to wake up.  They don’t give a crap about life or you or anything.  Their lives just go on for reasons too deep for you to possibly fathom.  They’re the coolest animals in the world.

Bear Attack

Bears aren’t all show either, they’ve got brains too.  You remember how Yogi Bear was “Smarter than the average bear”, right?  That was really saying something.  He had men killed in laboratories.  I don’t feel at all comfortable even thinking about him.  The average bear is smarter than most humans, as bears are the smartest animals found in nature.  This fact is verified by their consumption of a strict diet of sweet golden honey, nature’s best food, beating out even poisonous silver mercury for nutritive content.  Honey saves for an unlimited period of time and can be consumed even after thousands of years of storage, which is why bears love to leave a huge coffee cup full of honey right next to their beds before they go to sleep for two months so when they get up they can chug the whole thing and face a new day of performing works of genius.  Panthers tried this with milk and died from bacterial poisoning, but bears never did because they knew the first time around to use honey, because bears are so smart.

Win a $500 Amazon shopping spree

Join Heavy's daily email newsletter to enter to win a $500 Black Friday Shopping Spree on Amazon.
Read the sweepstakes rules here.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 839 other followers