Everyone’s making fun of Sarah Palin again, this time because she seemingly made up a word – refudiate – which most people assume is just a dumb combination of the words refute and repudiate. Now, I know the assumption is that Lady Bush’s latest misstep is just further evidence to most people that the poor little hamster who furiously powers the little wheel in her head has died, but Heavy has just received blockbuster evidence that refudiate is indeed a word.
It seems that during her time as a freedom fighter in Alaska, straddling the border between that noble state and the horde of blood thirsty Russians just waiting to spill across, Sarah Palin came into possession of a secret book that was passed down through the years from one President to the next. Each President, from Washington on down the line would add to the book, filling it with wisdom that mere mortals just couldn’t handle. One of the chapters in this book was a dictionary, made up entirely of words known only to the Founding Fathers and their noble descendants. And one of the words in this dictionary was, that’s right, you guessed it, refudiate.
No one is quite sure how the book ended up in the hands of Sarah Palin, but there are theories. Some of these are outlandish. For instance, there is one rumor going around that the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared on a dark and snowy winter night while Palin and her ragtag band of freedom fighters were surrounded by a pack of wild Russians. Tired, bloody, beaten, the Freedom Force was on the verge of utter despair when Lincoln appeared and ran wild on those commies, wrestling them to the ground with his bare hands and then beating them to death with a mysterious book, which was none other than the secret Presidential Book of Wisdom! He later gave Palin the book as both defense against future Russian aggression and because he trusted her to safeguard the wisdom of the founding fathers.
This is, of course, ridiculous, as everyone knows that Clinton traded away the book in 1997 to an Azerbaijani pimp named Gurkan in order to settle some old debts. Incidentally, this is also the reason why George W. Bush struggled so much as President – without the wisdom of the elders contained in that book, he could barely function.
How Sarah Palin eventually gained control of the book therefore is still a mystery. Perhaps the most likely scenario is that Gurkan, the Azerbaijani pimp, lost control of the book in a high stakes poker game with a heathen Russian. That Russian then took the book with him on one of his scandalous raids into Alaska. But, unlucky for him, Sarah Palin could see him coming from her house and with her band of freedom fighters, she stopped him dead in his tracks, shooting him like she would a wild wolf, and then she took the book from him, therefore saving America and its wisdom all at once.
What we do know is that Sarah Palin was chosen, either by the ghost of Lincoln or by fate, to be the possessor of a book of knowledge which has served as the backbone of American power and grace for over 200 years. You could choose to refudiate these claims, but just know that it only makes you look stupid and petty, or stupetty as the Great Book says. All we can do is bow our heads to Sarah Palin and thank her for all that she has done in defense of a nation and for all that she will do in the years to come as the 3:00 AM anchor for FOX News-Anchorage.